Relationships can be hard. Almost all mental suffering involves difficulties in creating workable and satisfying relationships. When clients seek therapy to work on symptoms of anxiety, depression, PTSD or stress, they often admit to struggling with people in their lives as well. We are keenly aware that the quality of relationships significantly impacts the quality of life. Feeling safe with others is perhaps the single most important aspect of mental well-being, and secure connections are essential for meaningful and happy lives. The key to fostering healthy relationships lies in effective communication. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph. D., introduced an incredible communication framework known as Nonviolent Communication, which is a skill worth learning, practicing and mastering daily to cultivate close, quality connections with the people in your life.

Jackal language: Who is right/wrong?

Dr. Rosenberg observes that the communication methods we were taught during our upbringing are rooted in judgment, evaluation, diagnosis, shame, guilt, blame, and notions of right and wrong. This approach creates distance and pain among people and fosters what he refers to as “Jackal Language.” This language has been reinforced and rewarded by “Jackal” society, culture and institutions. Dr. Rosenberg notes that our society often makes violent enjoyable, exposing countless children to it day and night, thereby negatively influencing their self-perceptions, relationships with others, and worldview. Instead, we need “speaking peace.” 

Giraffe language: nonviolent communication

It is heartening to discover that there is an alternative way to communicate with others in life. Dr. Rosenberg refers to this approach as “Giraffe language.” Why giraffe? Giraffes are known for having the largest hearts among land animals. Nonviolent communication is rooted in “the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart,” making the language of “Love,” “Compassion” and “Life.” It involves:

1. Clear observation of what you don’t like about the other persons’ actions.

2. Expressing how you feel about what they have done.

3. Identifying which of your needs were not met.

4. Making a clear request: What actions would make your life more wonderful.

Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti once said, “the ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” We can practice observing situations without judgment and remain aware of our feelings and needs as well as those of others. This enables us to communicate in a manner that reflects our true nature, fostering genuine giving and connection. Dr. Rosenberg reminds us that we always have choices in any situation. He advises, “Don’t do anything for others unless you are like a little child waiting for Santa Claus,” emphasizing the importance of acting from a place of natural giving rather than coercion, duty, obligation, or a desire for acceptance, which wouldn’t last long, and end up with disconnections.

The importance of listening with giraffe ears

Effective communication also involves attentive listening. Those with “Giraffe ears” only hear “Thank you” or “Please” amidst a sea of Jackal language. When others resort to violent speech, you hear their “tragic expression” of unmet needs. By listening beyond their words, you can connect with their underlying feelings and needs, nurturing a sense of being seen and heard. Additionally, it’s important to recognize that we are not responsible for others’ thoughts, feelings, decisions/choices, which are their domain. Our responsibility lies in how we choose to respond, focusing on our own actions and intentions, which leads to more efficient and positive outcomes in life. People who speak Giraffe language prioritize connecting with what’s alive in self and others and living in harmony with needs and values.

‘We don’t have to kill each other’

Once Dr. Rosenberg had worked with two tribes in Northern Nigeria, one Christian tribe, one Muslim tribe, where one quarter of population were killed in one year. It wasn’t easy for him to facilitate the communication between chiefs who held enemy images of each other. However, after about one hour, one of chiefs said, “If we know how to communicate this way, we don’t have to kill each other.” Dr. Rosenberg got invited to their Ramadan dinner.

We possess immense power to enrich the lives of those around us. It’s time to embrace our innate nature — natural giving, by transitioning from “habitual” to “natural” communication patterns, where everyone’s needs are met. Thus, we can emulate the principles of Giraffe language — nonviolent communication to live how we are meant to live.

Take away to-do’s

Check out your NAMI Wyoming website at namiwyoming.com and Facebook, for upcoming events.

Check in on a friend, who might be struggling with mental health issues. Be willing to talk with a counselor yourself. 

1-800-SUICIDE — 24-hour suicide prevention line that can be called from anywhere in the U. S. https://988lifeline.org/

(Myoung Shin Hilson is a psychotherapist and a member of NAMI Park County.)