Remember Your Roots and Keep Them Colored

Viruses galore

By Trena Eiden
Posted 4/2/20

Every year we’re told we could possibly get influenza, but during this cold and flu season, we are being bombarded by media hacks over one or two strains of the virus. They feel it’s so …

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Remember Your Roots and Keep Them Colored

Viruses galore


Every year we’re told we could possibly get influenza, but during this cold and flu season, we are being bombarded by media hacks over one or two strains of the virus. They feel it’s so prevalent, we are to totally, and without exception, avoid people.

Oh, you don’t have to tell me twice.

It’s a daily goal to achieve my personal best to dodge anyone, and I strive to keep my distance by doing my utmost to bypass all encounters. Happily, anyone who’s spent time with me tends to give me a wide berth. I recently witnessed a guy leapfrog a wheelbarrow to evade me. What a win.

We’ve also been told not to touch each other, so everyone is coming up with creative handshakes. I’m thinking, forget the fist bumps and just whack each other upside the head as a greeting. It’s not that outlandish of an idea. We want to do this to most people at some point anyway, so why put off till tomorrow a feel-good moment today?

We went shopping the other day and witnessed empty shelves. In fact, we were forced to browse several stores to gather our goods. There were only two boxes of Kleenex, one container of wipes and a single box of laundry detergent. You might be thinking I was upset as I wandered the aisles, but no, I barely noticed there was no bacon, bleach or bread because there was … sigh … ice cream. Who needs anything more?

I was a little taken back by no toilet paper. Really, we’re darting around, buying up the Big-Roll-Charmin, when this flu doesn’t even cause diarrhea? Boy, we’re dopey. I didn’t think it odd that there weren’t any paper towels, but oddly, there weren’t napkins, either. Gosh, maybe people are going to develop table manners — placing a napkin in their lap and chewing with their mouth closed. If that’s the case, this virus isn’t all bad.

It’s still a given that Billy is going to spill his milk on freshly scrubbed floors; I’m guessing they’re freshly scrubbed. What else do we use paper towels for, except maybe to wipe chili off a mustache? That’d be news we could use because chili means hamburger, and oh, lucky day, someone found a package in the meat section. Gee, I wish they could invite us over because there wasn’t any beef, pork, turkey or chicken when I shopped.

I did notice people do not enjoy canned three-bean salad. No matter which store we shopped, bean salad stayed stocked in such abundance, we could easily supply all the starving children in Africa for decades of picnics and pool parties.

I mused to a friend that I wondered who on earth buys bean salad? She said, “Somebody.” I scoffed, “Obviously, nobody.” She said, “That can’t be true, the stores sell it.” I countered, “Maybe it’s the same cans we’ve seen on the shelf since 1972, they contain vinegar you know.” She sighed, “Sometimes you’re not rational.” Sometimes?

I know a guy who won’t allow his eyes to rest on a dish of the stuff. Gar considers beans a vegetable, and he merely tolerates those, but add something with a zing to it, and you can count him out. He becomes a 3-year-old and fusses like I’m making him eat raw brussels sprouts. Since I’m the adult in this duo when it comes to greens, I’ll admit right here that I’ve never bought a can of bean salad, but I’ve been given a few containers in the past, and it’s not horrible. If you like vinegar, you should give it a go. I could guide you, as a personal assistant, to racks and racks of it.

The government keeps lowering the amount of people who can congregate together and recently announced it was down to 10. Our grafted-in-daughter sent us a meme, “If the legal gathering size gets any smaller, Ima need someone to come get a few of these kids …” I texted her back that when all of our children were home, we’d have been over the limit by one and I know for a fact they’d have unanimously voted me off the island. She said, “You were the cook, though.” I agreed, “And that would have been the deciding factor.”

I read recently that your attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure. I’ve experienced firsthand people who go through tough times yet remain upbeat, with a positive outlook and joyous spirit.

I am not one of those people.