Chuck Hassler

I am announcing my candidacy for the United States House of Representatives. I have been watching how good the ruling class has been doing, and I want some of that cheese!

Here’s the incredibly nice set-up they’ve got going: 15 grand a month! Free healthcare! And they don’t even have to show up but maybe once in a while. You get run off from a convenience store job if you pull that kind of stuff. They never have to do anything, and they never do. Money for nothing and chicks for free!

I’m going to be frank: I need the money because my savings are depleted, my property taxes and insurance are rocketing into the stratosphere and my Social Security income isn’t sufficient to pay utilities and buy groceries.

I’m not going to go the traditional route and run, say, for county commissioner first, because I used to cover them, and they actually have to work. And they only make like 30 grand. I’m in it to win it! Thirty grand won’t even get you a decent ATV!

My platform is simply that I won’t lie to my constituents. My intention is to get healed up financially and then ride off into the sunset and maybe write a memoir. If you contact me with a problem, I will look into it. But I’m not promising anything. Or I might promise everything, but it doesn’t mean jack.

I’m going to be different from all those other politicians who promise all kinds of stuff and then never deliver anything but a rush of hot air. I promise you I’m going to do everything I can to help myself. If we’re buddies, it’ll doubtless help you too! Wink!

I done graduated from UW so you know I’m sharp as a tack, and I ride horses too. So I’ve got all the qualifications.

Here’s something else to ponder on: I didn’t just roll into Wyo from say Caly, plop down a couple mil for a ranchette and decide to run. Nope, I’ve been here my whole life. And it’s been tough. I had to work; pulling slips or racking pipe back, working cows, driving tractor and truck, irrigating. So hard!

I’m too old for all that work now so I figure I will be one of the youngest members of Congress, with the median age of 90.

I promise to answer every phone call I get in which I recognize the number you’re calling from. I promise I will be empathetic and act like I care about your problems.

I know that, together hand in hand, we can enrich me. With your help, we will!!

If you think you want to be a part of this great movement, if you want in on the ground floor, if you don’t want to be left behind, financial donations are welcome.

I have an account at First National so you can feel free to pony up.

Just tell them Chuck sent you.