In my work as a psychotherapist, I often hear clients talk about their “triggers” — certain memories, people or situations that spark immediate anxiety, anger, hurt or fear. In the moment, they may feel overwhelmed and “lose it.” Later, when the emotional storm passes, they are left with confusion, regret or shame. They wonder why their reaction felt so intense — almost out of control.

The ammunition:
the pain body

While triggers seem like the cause, they are often only the spark. What fuels the reaction may be something buried — what I call the “ammunition.” This ammunition is the pain body: unresolved emotional experiences from the past that still live inside us.

Many people have had moments when their sense of safety was shaken — feeling unseen, criticized, frightened or rejected. The fear and hurt were never fully acknowledged or healed. Even though they now live in a largely safe world, their nervous system may still react as if they are in danger. As pioneer trauma researcher Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in "The Body Keeps the Score," the body remembers. When triggered, the mind and body prepare to survive — fight, flee or shut down.

Another trauma expert, Dr. Gabor Maté, offers a hopeful perspective: “Trauma is not what happened to you; trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” If trauma lives inside us as patterns of belief, emotion, and nervous system responses, then healing is possible. Thanks to our moldable, repairable and healable brain — neuroplasticity, we are not permanently wired by our past.

Working on the pain body; emptying the ammunition

In therapy, I describe healing process as “emptying the ammunition.” Clients often recognize immediately the emotional weight they have carried for years. This stored pain often shows up as anger, anxiety, depression, chronic stress or relationship struggles. Thoughts can quickly turn negative or fear-based. Neutral situations may feel threatening. They might avoid people, try to please everyone, explode in anger, or shut down completely — once served as survival strategies but may no longer serve their adult lives.

Here is what’s important: These reactions are not character flaws. As children, we adapt to survive. We did the best we could with the tools we had. If you grew up around criticism, you may have become hyper-aware and defensive. If you felt ignored, you may have tried to be perfect. If you felt unsafe, you may have learned to hide your emotions. These responses were brilliant adaptations. But what once protected us may now limit us.

Healing means understanding why you react the way you do, facing discomfort, and practicing new responses. It is not easy work, but it is transformative.

The inner child:
how we survived

Many people did not feel fully safe growing up. As a result, they pushed down parts of themselves — especially emotions that felt unacceptable or unsafe. Suppressing feelings takes enormous energy. Over time, this can contribute to anxiety, depression, physical tension or a sense of emptiness.

The concept of the “inner child” refers to those younger parts of us that felt lonely, frightened or dismissed. When those parts were not nurtured during important developmental stages, growth may have been interrupted. Healing involves offering those younger parts warmth, attention and love. It means saying, “You were trying your best,” “It wasn’t your fault,” and “You are safe now.”

For some, becoming a parent offers an opportunity to break generational cycles — to provide their children with the safety and nurturing they longed for. In doing so, they also begin re-parenting themselves.

Inner child healing: self-love and self-respect

Healing begins with awareness. Notice your feelings and the needs behind them. Learn to “show up” for yourself rather than abandoning yourself internally. Part of growth is becoming your own safe, supportive adult — your own advocate and ally. Loving yourself as you would love someone dear to you, and respecting yourself as you would respect someone admirable, is not selfish; it is foundational.

I once worked with a client who carried deep abandonment wounds. She felt uncomfortable “taking up space.” After her mother struggled with addiction, being absent in her childhood, she internalized the belief: “If my own mother left, who would love me?” Eventually, she recognized that this voice belonged to her scared inner child — not to her capable adult self. That insight marked a turning point in her healing.

Living as an
adult creator

Emotional maturity involves learning to regulate feelings. As therapist Terrence Real notes, difficulty regulating emotions can limit our lives and relationships.

We all have a choice. We can continue living primarily as survivors, reacting from old wounds. Or we can begin living as creators — responding thoughtfully, guided by awareness and love rather than fear.

Healing the pain body and tending to the inner child does not erase the past. Instead, it integrates it. The younger, wounded parts of us no longer have to run our lives. You are not broken. You adapted and made it to adulthood — that is triumph. As Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to become.”

Now you have choices. It is time to lay down the ammunition, nurture the inner child, and create the life you are meant to live. 

TAKE AWAY TO-DOS

Check out the NAMI National website at nami.org, and your NAMI Wyoming website at namiwyoming.com for signature programs, and upcoming events.

Check in on a friend, who might be struggling with mental health issues.

The Wyoming Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached by call or text at 988 at any time.

(Myoung Shin Hilson is a psychotherapist in Cody.)