One of topics often explored and discussed in therapy is the concept of “inner child,” which we all have. When our needs for love, safety, connection, recognition or acceptance are ignored growing up, those hurtful, vulnerable parts of us are lost to survive, cope and adapt, thus, children’s healthy growth can be interrupted. Those once dismissed parts of us buried deep and demand our caring and attention in a subtle way even after growing up.

Outwardly, we become adults. We build careers, raise families and fulfill responsibilities. Yet inwardly, many people continue to struggle with relationships, emotional regulation, identity, self-worth, impulse control, stress or finding direction in life. At times, an ordinary disagreement, rejection or disappointment can trigger strong emotions that feel far greater than the situation itself. We may suddenly feel frightened, attacked, or abandoned like a helpless small child in an adult body — inner child.

Healing begins with recognizing this scared child within us with love and validation, that we desperately needed as a little girl or boy — feeling not worthy of love then and now as well. The inner child in you can easily get triggered by the external stimuli and act up, in the form of aggression to yourself or others, dysfunctions or stress. It can lead to overreacting, feeling overwhelmed by uncontrollable negative emotions like “storm,” as they describe. 

It is never too late to recognize and nurture that forgotten part of you, delayed much-needed growth, which can create harmonious balance in your whole system to function as a mature adult. One simple exercise, taught by therapist Gloria Zhang, invites us to reconnect with our younger selves.

Take a quiet moment. Place your hand gently over your heart. Imagine yourself as a small child. Picture your face, your innocence, and your vulnerability. Then gently say aloud:

“I am here for you now. I see you. I hear you. You have always been enough.”

With this simple and powerful practice, you begin a lifelong beautiful relationship of self-compassion with your inner child. Healing starts when we become the loving adult that our younger selves needed. 

Who is Confucius?

Confucious is one of the most prominent figures in Eastern philosophy, and he described the stages of life based on his own experiences, which have been meaningful and important in Eastern teachings. 

I share Confucius’ insights into the stages of life with clients who struggle with the old hurt from childhood — wounded inner child. They can reflect on it through Confucious wisdom, which can help them be more conscious of their possible inner child and grow to be the person that they are meant to become; “The Junzi” — Confucius’ ideal human being.

Here is Confucius’ description of the stages of life:

At 15: “I set my heart upon learning.”

Learning here is not limited to the academic but more about your love for learning and growth as a person. You start exploring life’s direction and values, and what matters to you. 

At 30: “I stood firmly.”

You become mentally, financially independent and create your own foundation to navigate this world. The life and relationships that you can create is up to you. You refrain from complaining about things or blaming others. You become a grown independent person.

At 40: “I had no more doubts.”

You are sure about self and where you are. You can discern, are not swayed by the temptation from the external world, social pressure or others’ judgments.

At 50: “I understood the will of heaven.”

You can understand deeply both your limitations and your unique contributions to the world. Life becomes less about success alone and more about meaning and purpose.

At 60: “My ear became receptive.”

With maturity comes the ability to listen deeply. You become less defensive and more open to perspectives different from your own. Wisdom is often demonstrated not by speaking more, but by listening better with humility.

At 70: “My heart’s desire is aligned with what is right.”

In Western psychology, developmental theorist Erik Erickson has focused on the challenges humans face and overcome which lead to integrity and wisdom in old age. Confucius describes that through lifelong moral cultivation, virtue has become second nature; his deepest desires naturally aligned with wisdom, compassion, and ethical living. It is a beautiful insight. Both recognize that human growth continues throughout life.

In conclusion, by recognizing the forgotten parts of you, healing your inner child, discovering your worth of love, you can create more balanced harmonious sense of self, which grows into the human being that you are meant to become: a creator and contributor to family, community, and humanity — The Junzi in Confucius’ teaching; a Self-actualized person; furthermore, Self-transcendence in Western psychology.

TAKE AWAY TO-DOS

Check in on family and friends who might be struggling with mental health issues.

The Wyoming Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached by call or text at 988 at any time.

(Myoung Shin Hilson is a psychotherapist and part of Park County NAMI.)