Doug Blough

My dad agreed with Archie Bunker that the National Enquirer was the only newspaper telling us the truth. I can still picture him falling asleep on his recliner while blowing the Enquirer upwards with each snore. I also remember the old Jenny Jones or Geraldo shows with “Tabloid Headliners with Amazing Stories” themes. Many in the audiences scoffed, as if a man shot in the head couldn't have sneezed the bullet out his nose during church.

There will always be doubting Thomases out there who can't accept anything not seen with their own eyes. They're the same ones who refuse to accept I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. But who are we to question whether a man's face actually exploded while eating at a Cajun restaurant as I remember the Enquirer reporting? So before you smugly dismiss Enquirer headlines as nonsense, take a look at your Bible. Had their been tabloids in them days would anyone have believed ...

TWO FISHES, FIVE LOAVES FEED 10,000

Without even the help of Halibut Helper, a group of friends incredibly split two fishes and five loaves of bread between a festive banquet crowd of 10,000. The small meal not only filled the bellies of the multitudes, but there was reportedly many asking for and receiving doggy bags. Security ejected one angry Samaritan who loudly complained, “What, no dessert? What kind of banquet is this with no cake?”

MAN LOSES HOME, FAMILY AND OXEN — ALL IN ONE BAD DAY,

If you're having one of those days, take heart. Job, a Damascus man previously known to friends as “Lucky,” recently received word the Sabeans had carried off his oxen after killing all his servants. He was also told a fire had consumed all his sheep and the Chaldeans had swiped his camels. Then news arrived that a mighty wind had collapsed his son's upscale home, killing all his sons and daughters. Job was inconsolable when told only his mother-in-law survived.

The following days, Job awoke to find his health had also taken a serious turn for the worse. He was afflicted with painful sores and festering boils from his head to his toes — exacerbating already badly-chapped lips. His wife was of little consolation, saying, “Curse God and die, Lucky!.” When asked for comment, Job testified to his strong faith but whispered, “Oy, some days it don't pay to leave the hut.” Then noticing the thick smoke filling his hut, Job canceled his upcoming gambling junket to Sodom.

90-YEAR-OLD GIVES BIRTH TO HEALTHY BABY

Abraham reported that his 90-year-old wife Gladys has given birth to an 18-pound baby girl. The decrepit Abe — understandably full of himself, reportedly said, “There might be frost on the roof, but there's still fire in the furnace!” Gladys will remain in Sinai Hospital for a few more days, as she's reportedly pretty darn sore. She apparently became very agitated when Abe suggested trying one more time for a boy.

MAN EATEN BY FISH PUKED OUT ALIVE AFTER 3 DAYS:

A Tarshish man, 57-year-old Jonah (last name withheld by request), after falling overboard while fishing, was swallowed whole by a passing fish. Jonah's fishing buddy, Zebco, said “It was one hell of a big bass. And I seen an even bigger one earlier.”

As his wife was filling out life insurance forms, a messenger arrived with startling news ... Jonah was alive! Apparently still in shock, Mrs. Jonah was quoted as saying, “Oh, great! We can kiss them shekels goodbye!” After three days in the enormous tummy, Jonah apparently climbed up and tickled its throat, causing the great fish to vomit out its bedraggled snack. Recuperating in the hospital from his ordeal, Jonah was asked about life inside a fish's belly. “It was no weekend in Gomorrah, I'll tell ya that” he said.

WEATHERMAN PREDICTS 40 DAY DOWNPOUR

Meteorologist and renowned kook Noah continues to stick to his prediction of 40% chance of showers Monday, steadily increasing for the next 40 days and 40 nights, followed by a gradual clearing trend. Noah estimates the total precipitation will bypass the yearly average and most likely will destroy the world. One optimistic farmer drinking coffee at Ye Olde Denny's said, “Well, we can sure use the moisture.”

Those are only some of the headlines that would have been laughed at had they run in the Nazareth Star Tribune. The story of little David the Shepherd knocking out and decapitating the supposedly unbeatable champ, “Iron Seth the Philistine” woulda raised some eyebrows too.