Trena Eiden

I recently read with interest a piece titled, “Advice from old people.” Number one on the list was to treat with care the person who agreed to share life with you. Ya Gar, you should treat me with care. 

Last winter we set up the RV in Lake Jackson during a bout of unseasonably cold weather for Texas. Due to the freezing temps, one night, the RV park turned off the water. I woke the next morning to my hair smashed flat to one side of my head. I asked Gar, “Did they turn the water on yet?” He shook his head, “Nope.” I hollered, “Look at my hair!” The man of my dreams, who’d obviously already looked at my hair, dryly replied, “No thanks.” Maybe he had a life he was actively trying to end. 

Number two on the advice list was that we need to take better care of ourselves in our youth, always eating sparingly and exercising profusely. Just thinking of exercising profusely puts me in foul humor, but there might be another reason for my bad mood. I recently heard having a tapeworm makes you irritable. Apparently, I’ve had a tapeworm since 1982. 

Another tidbit, was not to take anyone else’s advice as certainty, and instead make your own decisions. We have a friend, Phil, who has never married and years ago, had just moved into a new house. Soon, his aging mother, who used a walker, came for a visit. Standing in the middle of the living room, she declared Phil should change the furniture around. He asked why and she replied, “I want you to be happy.” Phil told her he was happy. She wouldn’t let up and repeated, she wanted him to be happy. He again stated he was happy to which she replied, “I think you’d really be happy if you’d move things.” He assured her his house was fine, to which she replied, “I just want you to be happy.” A little frustrated, he said, “I am happy, I promise with all my heart, I’m happy.” Phil had a meeting that evening and was gone a couple hours. Returning, he was stunned to find his living room completely changed. The couch was opposite where it had been, two overstuffed chairs were near another wall and the end tables were rearranged. His mother, with her walker, had been busy. Quietly reading, she looked up when Phil asked, “Why did you move everything?” She answered, “I just want you to be happy.” Mothers ha!

The next advice was, “If you’re getting overwhelmed by life, just return to the immediate present moment and be comforted. There was a no-nonsense older woman, and doctor’s wife, Mrs. Sizemore, who packed a large handbag. One time a man, who should have probably minded his own business, said, “Mrs. Sizemore, you need a burro to carry that purse for you.” Not impressed, she tersely answered, “Any jackass will do, want the job?” One time her car stalled at a red light and as the traffic beside her went forward, she tried again and again to start the car. A guy behind her honked his horn, then kept honking. She got out and went back to him, dangled her keys in front of his nose and said, “Why don’t you go see if you can start it, and I’ll sit here and honk the horn.” Don’t mess with old people. 

Another piece of advice was not to let relationships create heartache. Somebody should have told the man who got into a disagreement with his girlfriend then promptly ate 87 nails and seven push pins. In a four-hour surgery all the paraphernalia was removed. I think maybe what he really needed was to be knocked out for a complimentary factory reset. I’ve upset Gar on occasion, but with certainty, I’d say eating hardware wasn’t on his to-do list. 

Jerry Seinfeld said, “Let’s not wait for a compliment. Let’s just give it to ourselves.” I think that’s a great idea and Gar thinks I thought of it first. If I tell Gar something I’ve done and he simply says, “Oh, OK,” I ask “Why don’t you tell me more how great I am?” He replies, “Well, you do enough of it, and if I did it too, you’d just be bored hearing it.” 

My friend, Janey says, “I’ve been telling myself I’m worthy since the day I realized if I held my breath waiting on a compliment from my offspring, I’d die an early death from lack of oxygen.”