By the time you read this (if you put it off until the weekend), the sound of firecrackers will be heard in the distance and grocery stores will run low on processed meat. Yes, the Fourth of July approaches. The Fourth, or Independence Day, is the most garish holiday of the year, created in celebration of the abolition of prohibition. That’s why mass alcohol consumption is such a prominent fixture of the holiday festivities.

Sadly though, amid the fun and revelry can come overindulgence and DWI arrests. That’s where the old saying, “Eat, drink, and be wary” originated.

I’m somewhat of a holiday aficionado, having studied holiday history during my pre-med days. Following are answers to some of the most frequently asked questions about our national celebrations.

• Which is proper: “Independence Day” or “Fourth of July”?

Either, or, and many people use the shortened, “B-Day,” since it’s a day of banners, bucking broncs, bulls, burgers, brats, beans, botato salad, beer and of course, one beaut of a bellyache, come the fifth.

• Is Independence Day always celebrated in the month of July?

Usually, but not always; occasionally the Fourth of July falls in late June or early August, just as Easter uncharacteristically fell this year in late April, and Good Friday on a Wednesday. New Year’s Eve, however, has never fallen on any day other than the day before New Year’s Day.

• Which holiday holds the record for most drunken driving arrests? Is it the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve?

Actually, neither. Believe it or not, Groundhog Day holds that honor. There have been many studies as to why — some suggesting that when Punxatawney Phil sees his shadow, depression sets in at the prospect of six more weeks of winter, prompting people to turn to the bottle. Another theory is that Groundhog Day, falling just before Valentine’s Day — which many men so woefully prepare for ­— often predicts less than six weeks left in a relationship, resulting in overflowing taverns.

• Why does eating turkey on Thanksgiving make everyone so sleepy?

Actually, that whole turkey/nap connection is just a tired myth. If that were truly the case, wouldn’t insomniacs be eating late-evening turkey sandwiches like the hog went through the cabbage? Surprisingly, in looking for a reason why sleepiness overtakes you during the late Thanksgiving football game, look no further than the yam as culprit.

There’s a substance in the colorful yam called “narcodoculisis” that induces drowsiness. Studies have shown that driving after eating yams is more dangerous than driving drunk while texting. If you doubt it, just cram a yam, and… bam!...you’ll be yawning like there’s no tomorrow.

• What is the most popular Christmas gift?

Year after year, decade after decade, the most popular gift remains the Slinky, followed by frankincense and myrrh.

• What in the Sam Hill is the significance of hiding eggs on a religious holiday like Easter? I’m not even sure they had eggs in Biblical times.

We must have faith that there were chickens, thus eggs, since Christ predicted Peter would “deny me three times before the rooster crows.” And sure enough, Peter denied and the cock crowed. Actually, some believe the Philistines held a custom of hiding eggs for the children even before the crucifixion. But the age-old question: “Which came first, the resurrection or the egg?” will always intrigue.

• Will there ever be any new holidays created, or was Martin Luther King Day the final one?

Oh no, there is no ceiling on potential holidays, and ex-president’s birthdays is a popular and evolving affair. I expect there to one day be a “Barack Obama’s Birthday” holiday, although it promises to be a low-key celebration. Since there will be no jobs, everyone will have the day off, and no one will have any money to buy gifts. It will be known as a holiday of change.

On George W. Bush’s Birthday, folks will celebrate by invading the house of a random neighbor while wearing a flight suit.

And there’s your holiday history in a nutshell. On this Fourth of July, I will, as always, eat hot dogs until my cholesterol reading reaches 350, and at midnight, drop my pants and shoot off a flair.

Remember, have a blast, but be safe, and if not, keep your license, registration and proof of insurance in an easily-accessible spot.