On an episode of Seinfeld, Kramer tries talking a disinterested George into moving with him to California for a richer, more exciting life.Making his case for it, Kramer asks, “Do you have a job?” “No.” “Do you have a girlfriend? Do you even have any prospects?”George keeps answering forlornly, “No.”

And then finally, “Do you even have any reason to get up in the morning?” to which George whimpers, “Well, I do enjoy reading the daily news.”

Boy, can I relate to that. The rare visitor to my house recoils at the newspapers strewn about my quarters, but until they’re read, I cannot — I will not — throw them away. Newspapers are a veritable treasure trove of the shocking and absurd. Non-readers are truly missing out.

For instance, only today in a typical Sunday edition of the Billings Gazette, I read several interesting articles, each seemingly with a second, linked article. The first headline catching my eye was, “Study: Mistaking gas pedal for brake most often happens to female drivers.”

“Hmmm, interesting,” I mused. After measuring a woman’s cabin roof years ago, I knocked her heavy steel gate off the hinges and onto a dirt road while exiting the driveway when I hit the gas instead of the brake. But in my defense, a frozen milk jug of water had rolled between my feet and the pedals, resulting in foot confusion.

The article on page A5 stated that nearly two-thirds of these accidents involve female drivers 76 and older, often in parking lots, even though 60 percent of drivers involved in crashes overall are male. So beware the fearless dude passing in the opposite lane, but watch your back when walking into a store if Maude is driving away in a big ol’ Buick. She may knock you into the produce section.

Amazingly, a second article blurb on A-2 reported: “Vehicle smashes into supermarket; 8 hurt.” It said, “Flagler County (Fla.) Sheriff’s Office says 76-year-old Thelma Wagenhoffer drove her car through the entrance of the Publix early Saturday morning. Investigators found no apparent problems with the car’s brakes... witnesses said the car appeared to be going about 50 MPH.”

Even though these two articles were unrelated, it’s as if newspapers report seemingly insignificant study results, then offers a true story to prove the results. After reading on A-3 about the goofy Florida law that may set George Zimmerman free for shooting Travon Martin, I soon stumbled upon “Study: A gun makes a man look taller” on A4.

I kid you not! It states, “The study released in the journal shows that a person holding a gun seems taller and more muscular in the viewer’s mind than a person holding a tool or other object. In one experiment involving 628 viewers, the researchers found that men whose hands held a 357-caliber handgun were thought to be almost 5-foot-10 — more than 2 inches taller than the men whose hands held a caulking gun.”

And here I’ve been brandishing my roofing caulking gun every time I hit on tall girls. No wonder it usually ends with “Buzz off, ya little troll!”

I’m sure Zimmerman felt 6’-7” walking around his Florida neighborhood like Barney Fife, stalking anyone he didn’t know in the name of “neighborhood watch volunteer.” The article gave three previous examples of how this “wave of NRA-backed (stand your ground) legislation…” has set killers free when circumstances painted clear pictures of minimally-provoked murder.

A newspaper stroll often ushers me down memory lane, as did the article on C4: “1984 Swenson abductor seeks parole.” Wow, I remember following that story almost 30 years ago. Remember that truth-stranger-than-fiction story of the father/son mountain men who kidnapped a jogging, world-class biathlete, Kari Swenson, to make her the forced wife of young Dan Nichols?

The father, Don, kept his potential daughter-in-law chained to a tree when making camp, and shot and killed would-be rescuer, Alan Goldstein, before a sheriff stormed their camp and ended the bizarre, five-month ordeal. The son was paroled in ’91, and now the father comes up for parole next week.

I’m sure Kari will be a vocal opponent at that hearing, assuming she’s still alive and well. She would only be about 50 now, so it will be many years before she begins accidentally driving into buildings.