I’ve always heard that children’s books are the easiest to write and have the largest buyers’ market. I had been contemplating writing a book for some time, but keep getting sidetracked with other priorities. Once football season ended though, I relocated my expanding duff from the downstairs couch to the upstairs writing chair and planned some journalism for profit.  

I considered a screenplay or fiction novel, but those take too much concentration. Wanting to embark on something requiring far less effort, I remembered what I’d heard about children’s books being the way to go. I figure it can’t be that difficult to hold a little kid’s interest, and since most would never even realize if words are misspelled, I wouldn’t really need to pay an editor before publication.

I think the secret to a popular children’s book is for the author to consciously think as a child thinks. You want your story to be short, have a bullied child who triumphs in the end, and simply fill your plot line with references to things all kids love. For instance, toys, sweets, animals for sure, and maybe a choo-choo train.

Today I submit for your approval my rough draft of what I’ll eventually expand slightly and add crudely-drawn, funny pictures. For the most part though, this is the gist of my first in a series of children’s books, called “The Buck-Toothed Boy Who Could.”

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Once upon a time, a little boy named Eddy Booth finished his breakfast of Cap’n Crunch and Pop Tarts and began walking the long, dirt road to catch the big yellow school bus. He had filled his overalls pockets with marbles — cat-eye marbles, solid-colored marbles, several large “boulders” and even a couple “steelies.”

But Eddy hated school because, you see, the other kids wouldn’t play marbles with him because Eddy was an odd-looking duck. He was much shorter than the other boys and girls, he was an albino and had extremely large, buck teeth that hung down so far he drooled on his shirt collar.

The others kids called him names, like “Horse-Head Ed,” “Toothy Boothy” and “Chalk Face” since his skin was so white, but also because he ate chalk from the blackboard all the time. Poor Eddy had no friends.

Eddy’s mother could not afford the braces Eddy so desperately needed, since they were poor and she was an alcoholic. After eating his supper of SpaghettiOs and Oreos one night, Eddy walked outside to play with his yo-yo all alone as usual. He sat under an apple tree when a big robin on a branch above pooped on his head. Eddy began cursing and crying when he heard a lisping voice say, “Hey boy, don’t be thad.”

And out of the bushes walked a short, fat, white English Bulldog with bottom teeth that reached its nose. Eddy thought it the most beautiful dog he’d ever seen and was giddy when the dog said his name was “Teddy.” So Eddy and Teddy ran all the way home and he begged, “Ma, I found this wonderful dog that looks just like me except his teeth stick out the opposite direction. Can we keep him?”

Mrs. Ruth, who was about half-in-the-bag from 10 cans of malt liquor, said, “But Buck-Toothed Eddy, what if he belongs to another family who are sad because they can’t find him?” Eddy said, “Ah, who cares,” so his pickled but loving mother said, “Okie dokie then.”

One day Eddy and Teddy walked to a neighbor’s farm and noticed a miniature white horse in a field. Eddy nearly fainted when the horse spoke, “Hey handsome kid, ya got any sugar cubes?” “Wow, you can talk too!” squealed Eddy, to which the horse retorted, “Sure can. But I’ve had a cold, so I’m a little horse.”

The dog got the joke first and began laughing, but soon Eddy caught on, and all three joined in unbridled laughter. Then Eddy asked the horse, “Do you feel sad like me because you have such big teeth?” The horse said, “Heavens no. Without them, I’d never be able to eat those apples through this picket fence. See?” Eddy said, “You’re right, big teeth are good! I’m gonna steal you and name you Freddy.”

Well, Eddy, Teddy and Freddy became three best friends, and each morning the animals walked Eddy to his bus. All the other children thought the talking animals were cool, and they began to love Eddy and called him “Lucky Bucky” and “Cool-Head Ed.”

Sadly though, Eddy got home from school one day and learned that Freddy the horse had broken its leg while stomping Teddy the dog to death and had to be shot. That night, his mother passed out with a lit cigarette and their little shack burned to the ground and they had to go live in an abandoned train caboose.

And they lived happily ever after. The end.