But those occasions were well before she made the same mistake many enticing women make as the big day approaches: She lost weight! Oh, when will women understand we admiring men prefer Miss Buxley from Beetle Bailey to Olive Oyl from …
It’s been an eventful news week, has it not? Let’s review, and begin with the most earth-shaking headline of all: Was that an enchanting wedding or what?
No, I didn’t get up at 3 a.m. to join the estimated 3 billion who watched Prince William wed Kate Middleton; in fact, I was just falling asleep for the night about then. But I did catch much of the annoying hubbub in the weeks leading up to the nuptials. Although I had no interest in watching the wedding, I certainly have ogled young Kate on occasion.
But those occasions were well before she made the same mistake many enticing women make as the big day approaches: She lost weight! Oh, when will women understand we admiring men prefer Miss Buxley from Beetle Bailey to Olive Oyl from Popeye?
Right before my disappointed eyes, Kate went from sexy to spindly … from voluptuous to vapidly vacant. Her gorgeous legs suddenly looked like they’d barely carry her down the aisle, with knees protruding like a hamster in a snake’s throat. I wouldn’t say she was skinny, but to quote my late father, “If she fell into a bowl of noodles, they’d never find her.”
Now, I don’t claim to speak for all men; there are a few out there turned on by the cadaver look. But for every one of them, I bet there are nine who celebrate the curves of Betty Page and Betty Boop. I’m sure she’ll fill out and look hot again in time, but it’s a shame to have lost her for even this long.
One foreigner who won’t be putting on any weight is that tall, gangly, hairy fellow who killed Americans for sport. Yes, Osama bin Laden now sleeps with the fishes. He got away with his crimes against humanity for decades, just like your average American serial killer before the death penalty is finally carried out. I only wish Navy Seals would be chosen to dish out that justice with bullets to the face!
So, “Where were you when you heard the news?” will always be the question. That’s what they ask about 9/11, and my answer is naturally, “I was sleeping.” My nephew called and woke me with the news.
This time, I was petting my friend Jere’s pit bull Thisbee when she received a text with the news. Even Thisbee wagged her tail.
I’ve been glued to FOX News to hear every detail, and on Monday evening, I couldn’t wait to watch Sean Hannity (another clown I wouldn’t mind seeing special forces take out) and see how long it would take him to turn the wonderful bipartisan news divisive.
I must say, I was impressed. There was a good eight minutes when he begrudgingly joined others in a tribute to a job well done. But then it came…almost begging GOP leaders — first Rudy Giuliani, then John McCain — to join him in bashing Obama for how he handled the disposal of bin Laden’s corpse. Both great Americans refused to take the bait.
But the puffy-faced divider wouldn’t relent. How dare we give Osama bin Laden a respectful send-off when the 9/11 victims didn’t have that opportunity with their loved ones?
“Political correctness run amok … unbelievable!” he shrieked.
Even former general Tommy Franks politely tried to explain that everything was done perfectly, that producing any possible dissension with Middle East moderates would be a bad idea.
On Tuesday, Hannity was right back at it, this time with Donald Rumsfeld and Carl Rove, who also resisted spinning great news ugly and partisan. They did throw him a bone though by not debating Hannity’s enthusiastic, “President Bush deserves just as much credit as Obama does.”
Ah Sean, it’s good to see you’ve not changed a bit since Colmes and I dumped you for “irreconcilable differences.”
Did you know bin Laden bit the dust on the same May 1 date that Hitler kicked the bucket? It’s heartwarming to envision both of history’s monsters screaming, “Mayday! The Americans are coming! Mayday!”
As a tribute to bin Laden’s career, I wrote this ditty:
O is for the ocean you now sleep within
S is for the Seals who tucked you in
A is for the algae in your beard now
M is for the many times you mocked us
A is for the Americans who wiped off that grin!
Ah bin Laden; we hardly knew ye. He sure was a surly, evil mother!
Speaking of which, only three more days ‘til Mother’s Day. Do you remember where you were when your mother brought you into this world? I think I was sleeping.