Oh those wacky Republican front-runners, posturing like a bunch of desperate spinsters elbowing and clawing for position to catch a bridal bouquet.

Normally only National Geographic features species’ that eat their young with such gory fervor. But these GOP candidates rush around spewing slander through blood-caked lips, leaving one to wonder if they’ll have anything left for Obama. Oh, believe me: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

For those sad souls without cable, I offer these candidate bios, including the walking wounded, ex-contenders now seduced for endorsements by the very savages who gulped their entrails. After devouring the weak among them, the alphas regurgitate those they called clueless losers, hoping to benefit from their public approval.

Rick Perry will be dearly missed for his delightfully unintentional humor. A compilation of “Rick’s Greatest Hits” would surely include the “Um…lemmesee…what was that third government agency I’d abolish” moment when crickets chirped and Newt Gingrich smirked.

But my personal, highly-underrated favorite came in his final debate.

When asked about Obama’s Iraq troop withdrawal, Perry barked with new-found confidence, “When our last soldier leaves, I promise you Iran will move in literally at the speed of light!” Even if no one else got the humor, I almost literally climbed through the TV to hug that loveable, dim-witted lug.

Barbie Bachmann has my respect for raising all those foster kids, but I’d swear her answer to every question has been, “We must repeal Obamacare. And I would do that.” Bill O’Reilly asked if she’d use military force to prevent Iran from going nuclear, and basically her answer was “Let me make this perfectly clear: Obamacare is ruining this nation; we must, and as president, I would repeal Obamacare.”

But ma’am, what about Iran? “They too must reject Obamacare!”

Ron Paul: How can anyone not love this unpretentious, honest, crazier-than-a-pet-coon character? I’m not the first to notice he makes sense in 90 percent of his proposals, but the other 10 percent sound like a Saturday Night Live skit.

A few weeks ago, Newt Gingrich briefly tried playing the “crying card” during an interview. I thought, “Come on, leave the crying to a trained professional like John Boehner. If a rabid badger like Gingrich is able to pull it off, soon everyone will be crying, and I do not want to see Ron Paul cry. Heck, it’s painful enough just seeing him smile once in a while!”

What dangers can be pointed out about “Newt” — which spell-check defines as “a small amphibian of a salamander family with short legs and well-developed tail” — that haven’t been warned already? And no one said it better than the irrepressible Ann Coulter (I can’t believe I’m actually starting to love this mouthy No. 2 pencil), who pointed out what I’ve said all along. Maniacal Newt is a master of aligning, fomenting, and then leading a hateful, mindless mob.

And political partisanship is little more than mob mentality, most effectively used during a famous Jerusalem execution. It’s what made Newt so cute in the ’90s when right-wingers screamed, “Yes, kill Clinton! Crucify the sinner!” Never mind that the Newtster was juggling wives and concubines like Charlie Sheen can only dream; he gave that foaming-at-the-mouth mob gleeful direction.

I cautiously sang Newt’s praises last year, extrapolating his great intellect had matured and mellowed, making him the best GOP hope. But I had forgotten what “The Who” once lyrically cautioned in their song “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”

When Newt bared his yellow teeth to any moderator that egregiously dared ask a pertinent question, I got nervous. And when Gingrich robots roared approvingly each time he bullied a questioner, I thought, “Uh oooh; a mob is forming, Newt’s head is growing, and if not stopped, blood will flow in the streets!”

Even though the mob is being quieted by clearer heads with vivid memories, I expect Newt to soon energize his puppets with something like this: Moderator: “Welcome, Mr. Speaker. Is that a new tie you’re wearing?” Newt: “Come on, you know better than that. Frankly, I am shocked and appalled at your audacity with that line of questioning!”

Mitt Romney is sitting in the catbird seat at this point. OK, he’s articulate, handsome, and…uh-oh, Mormon — which is a game-ender for many lockstep Evangelicals who would irritate Jesus. Besides a slightly different religion, the rap on Mitt is that he’s filthy rich, who can’t identify with the poor. But really, couldn’t you say that about 95 percent of either party’s multi-millionaires?

Once warm and cozy, they lose all concept of where they’d be without the family money springboard. They see no reason why others shouldn’t “make it from scratch” like they did.

I have acclimated to suddenly respect Rick Santorum, and to reiterate, I now see Coulter as pretty cool. I still don’t get her “showcase my anorexic, spider legs in micro-mini skirts” thing though. In my day, when you had an unsightly body-part, you covered it up! Even Newt knows enough to hide those short legs and well-developed tail.