My Lousy World

In today’s top headlines

By Doug Blough
Posted 1/16/25

Even though I'm still sore at the Billings Gazette for ruining the comics page and I was taught to never let go of grudges, I still often buy the Gazette to pour over interesting headlines to pass on …

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My Lousy World

In today’s top headlines

Posted

Even though I'm still sore at the Billings Gazette for ruining the comics page and I was taught to never let go of grudges, I still often buy the Gazette to pour over interesting headlines to pass on to you, the reader. I stay informed so YOU don't have to.

I clipped a couple articles from a recent issue, amazed at how so many headlines mirror Seinfeld episodes. One such headline was “Rare whale’s death investigated — scientists suspect the first complete specimen of the rarest whale ever recorded died as a result of head injuries ...”

This Australian, sadly deceased whale was a spade-toothed variety, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, George Costanza once saved a rare whale during an unlikely series of happenstance. Like George's dad Frank told a doctor after inexplicably falling ass-first onto Kramer's fusilli sculpture, “It was one-in-a-million, Doc!”

The unwitting opportunity to save this whale arose from Jerry telling an old ex-classmate that George was now a marine biologist. George was understandably chapped, since Jerry knew full-well George liked to lie by claiming to be an architect. But the damage was done and George found himself on a romantic beach stroll with the attractive ex-classmate.

Of all the luck, a crowd had gathered because there was a whale in trouble and someone yelled “Is anyone a marine biologist?” The gal naturally urged George to help, so he threw caution and his hat into the wind and began marching toward the roaring sea. As he later told the gang at the cafe as he recounted the entire incident, “The seas were angry that day, my friends.” He explained as he swam toward the great fish, (“mammal” Jerry interrupted, to George's irritation), a huge wave lifted him and tossed him like a cork. When he came down, he was face-to-face with the whale's blow-hole.

He could tell something was obstructing the blow-hole, so he reached deep down inside and with Kramer, Jerry and Elaine on the edge of their seats, he thrust out his hand to produce the obstruction he had discovered. “Is that a Titleist?” Kramer asked sheepishly. Yes, earlier in the episode, Kramer had been on that very beach practicing his suddenly feeble golf swing and had finally connected with one excellent drive. You've guessed I'm sure, where it landed, and that whale had Jerry to thank for its unlikely rescue. One-in-a-million, Doc!

Another headline I clipped was: “Detroit Library says man can keep overdue baseball book — 50 years later.” That quickly brings to mind when Jerry received a letter from the New York City Library about a book he had checked out 20 years earlier as a high school student. He was shocked when the testy little library cop, Mr. Bookman, showed up at his apartment door with a definite attitude.

This grizzled library cop was no-nonsense and was already perturbed when Jerry couldn't even produce any instant coffee like Folger's Crystals. He barked, “You're a comedian; you make people laugh,” then turned abruptly and barked, “You think this is all a big joke, don't ya? You think because you're a celebrity, that somehow the law doesn't apply to you? Well, let me tell you something joy-boy ...”

The brutal grilling continued and Jerry later learned he had indeed failed to turn in the book, “Tropic of Capricorn,” which he'd loaned to teenage George, who had dropped the book while being given an “atomic wedgie” by his bully PE teacher with bad teeth, Mr. Heyman.

The third headline that caught my eye was, “Hunter killed by falling bear — A Virginia man died after a bear in a tree shot by one of his hunting partners fell on him.” OK, in no Seinfeld episode did a bear fall on anyone, but a bird was injured flying into Elaine's head. An embittered ex-boyfriend had already called her “Big Head,” making her self-conscious about it, and after the bird flew into her head, an old guy on a park bench said, “That bird just flew directly into your head. It was as if it couldn't avoid it.”

I shall continue to peruse future headlines to prove my thesis that every story can be traced directly back to a Seinfeld episode. It wouldn't surprise me a bit to read, “Bubble boy badly beaten by gang of moops.”

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