Trena Eiden

We’re at that time of year when we step on the scale, expecting to have lost 20 pounds by now. No matter that we just started exercising only a month ago. Now is also the time, after stepping on the scale, maybe we kinda hate the companies who had all that exercise equipment on sale over Christmas. And we grit our teeth at our spouse for buying it for us when we said we wanted it but, we really don’t, now. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that we should expect less, far less, then when something, anything, happens better than that, it’ll seem like a real win. I expected, as we aged, to have a few blips in the road, but I also expected our, ‘check engine light’ to come on. Well, it didn’t.

I so rarely become ill, that when I’m around someone sick, I don’t give it a thought. Last fall when I came down with a vile bug, I had a headache, body aches, earache, chest congestion, runny nose, cough, sore throat, fever, weakness and fatigue. I’d get up to go potty and come right back to the couch, get up for a snack and right back to the couch. One afternoon, I ate a piece of turkey and a few chips then went to lie down. As I rested, I said, “Jesus, I’m feeling awful, so while I’m sleeping (I put ‘while I’m sleeping’ for Jesus’s clarification) if this is how you’re taking me home, I’m good with that.” Then, my eyes sprang open. If I died and people came over, they’d see the mess with chips strewn across the kitchen counter like I’m a Lays junkie. I got up and cleaned.

When Gar got sick with my illness, it went to his lungs. One Sunday the doctor called me at the hospital asking how Gar was doing. I said he was still weak and he answered, “In going over case studies, I’d expect him to be better by now.” I said, “I know, and it’s a real mystery, since I’m making him run wind-sprints every day.” He chortled, not sure if I was serious, and tentatively asked, “You aren’t, are you?” I calmly replied, “Of course, and later this afternoon I’m gonna make him wrestle a bear.”  

I expected hospital bathrooms to have electrical outlets, but alas, they do not. They have a shower and a toilet, and since the sink is in the hospital room itself, that’s where the outlet is located. Well, that’s dandy except Gar was sleeping and my blow dryer sounds like a D8 cat. There’s also the little dilemma that, since he was having lung problems, my hairspray would send him into coughing spasms. I couldn’t very well keep out the odors by putting a plastic bag over his head, could I? Could I … I mean no, of course not. 

I went to the nurse’s station, explained the situation, and asked if there was any other bathroom with a plug-in? Nope, instead, the young woman with long, straight hair, told me to use an empty room. I mentioned I was concerned about the hairspray, but as I began explaining, she dismissed me with a hand wave, scoffing, “It’ll dissipate.” I bit my lip, studying the lady’s personal grooming. She had, in my limited view, never used a hair product, sans shampoo, in her whole life.

I entered the room she’d pointed toward, shutting the door behind me to keep in the worst of the noise and the worst of the hairspray vapors. I did blow dry my hair. I did use hairspray. Then I did scrub the room, rafters to floor joists, like I was Cinderella eradicating black mold. And dissipate? Obviously, the woman hadn’t witnessed me in combat mode tussling with my hair. My hairspray doesn’t dissipate. It clings to every surface like a toddler being drug from the cookie jar. 

Gar did finally start improving, but continued to need oxygen at night. On the first airplane trip, we pulled a portable oxygen concentrator through the airport. It was 18 inches tall by 11 inches wide, with wheels and a handle. Since the tubing was stowed away, people stared, wondering what the little, gray machine could be. I had the great expectation that someone would eventually ask, but nobody did, and I was dismally disappointed. I intended to divulge, “Oh, I like to take my vacuum everywhere I go.” Antonio Banderas said, “Expectation is the mother of all frustration.” He is so right.