I love what I do as a psychotherapist. My work is to help people become healthier and happier mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. How cool is that?

I once watched an interview with sleep expert Matthew Walker, Ph.D. He said that even if he had all the money in the world, he would still choose to do what he does now: research sleep. I understood exactly what he meant. I feel the same way about my work.

My favorite definition of therapy is finding truth — understanding ourselves and the world around us so we can free ourselves from unnecessary suffering. As a familiar spiritual teaching reminds us, "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."

Understanding human nature, childhood development, family dynamics, social structures, and the cultural influences that shape our lives can help us see our struggles differently. We may begin to recognize that some of the suffering we experience comes not only from what happens to us, but also from how we perceive and respond to it.

However, practicing it in daily life can be challenging. In therapy, I offer reminders, encouragement, support, validation and appreciation, as clients develop greater awareness and take responsibility for their choices.

One Buddhist teaching that I love to share with my clients is the story of the first arrow and the second arrow.

face the first arrow

According to a Buddhist teaching, when an arrow strikes us, we experience pain. That is the first arrow. But sometimes, we shoot a second or third arrow at ourselves, adding more suffering to the pain we already feel.

The first arrow represents the painful experiences that are part of being human while navigating this modern world. We may lose a job, experience a breakup, face an illness, struggle in a relationship, or lose someone we love. We may be betrayed, misunderstood, or hurt by another person's words or actions. These experiences can bring sadness, anger, fear and grief. 

The second arrow is the additional suffering we create through our thoughts, judgments, emotions and resistance to what has already happened, such as anxiety, depression, sleepless nights, physical illness, stress or burnout. The original experience may be over, but our minds keep bringing it back to life.

Why do we do this? Often, our minds try to protect us. Our desire to control situations, anticipate danger, and avoid rejection may come from our instinct for safety and survival from earlier experiences. Over time, however, these familiar habits can become sources of unnecessary suffering.

In my work as a psychotherapist, I often see people struggling with varying first arrows: relationship conflicts, family difficulties, old hurt, trauma, shame and questions of self-worth. Some struggle with the belief that they are not good enough. Others find themselves constantly distracted, overwhelmed or unable to quiet their minds.

While we may not be able to prevent every first arrow, no matter how hard we try, we can learn to stop adding unnecessary second arrows. 

How can we avoid the second arrow?

At first, we want to remember our “fundamental right” to happiness with which we were born, no matter what first arrows we just got hit by. 

Next, we are going to differentiate our true identity from the first arrow. Many have a tendency of being identified with those first arrows, which leads to more struggles and suffering unnecessarily. You are not what happened, you are not the diagnosis that you just received from your doctor, or you are not the difficulties that you face. Those are just simply things, conditions or situations, which need to be dealt with, and not who you truly are. You are still “whole, complete, original and enough” as a human being. 

Furthermore, you can practice being in the present moment. I ask my clients, “Do you have any problem right now?” They immediately recognize they are sitting comfortably, breathing, and talking with someone who is listening without judgment. They seem to feel relieved knowing no bear in the corner; no perceived threat presents.

Being here and now does not mean ignoring problems. It means recognizing the difference between what is happening now and what our minds tell us about what might happen. We can address real challenges one small step at a time while allowing ourselves moments of clarity and peace.

Overthinking is another common topic in therapy. One client described the experience as having dark clouds constantly moving through the mind. One thought leads to another until you find yourself trapped in a mental spiral — the second arrow.

A crucial step toward freedom is recognizing that we are not our thoughts. We can observe our thoughts without automatically believing them.

After a breakup, for example, we might think, "I'll never find anyone who loves me." The thought may feel convincing, but it is not true. Reality is that a relationship ended and we are hurting. We need time to heal.

People-pleasing is another source of unnecessary suffering, leading to resentment, exhaustion, and a diminished sense of self. Some people continually prioritize others' needs, avoid conflict and seek approval at the expense of their own wellbeing.

We can learn that another person's disappointment does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong. Caring for others does not require abandoning ourselves. We can set boundaries, express our needs and live according to our values.

It is time to create

You are more than your painful experiences, your diagnosis, mistakes, learned patterns, your accomplishments, or other people's opinions of you. You are still whole human beings, each with your own original worth. 

Life will continue to bring first arrows. We cannot always prevent them. But with awareness, acceptance, practice and grace, we can learn to avoid the second or the third. Along the way, we can turn our attention toward the truth, goodness and beauty that already exist within us and around us. Thus, we can create our lives as an artist creates a painting, one brushstroke at a time.

TAKE AWAY TO-DOS

Check in on family and friends, who might be struggling with mental health issues.

The Wyoming Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached by call or text at 988 at any time.

(Myoung Shin Hilson is a psychotherapist and part of Park County NAMI.)