Trena Eiden

Tony Danza was asked what turning 73 is like. He replied, “It’s like you live in a bad neighborhood and anything can happen.”  

When I was a kid, people who were 30 years old, were old. Apparently, this hasn’t changed because a recent report found that first graders can’t tell the difference in someone’s age after high school. I get this. From the day of graduation forward, we have worry lines, caused by Aunt Marge wanting to know, morning, noon and night what we want to be when we grow up.  

There’s a lot of information to guide us on what we shouldn’t be doing as we age. One article, “Items no one over 30 should have in their house,” had some surprises. I didn’t know we weren’t supposed to have mismatched, plastic storage containers, so like everyone else in all 50 states, I have a big drawer of lids and bowls I periodically take out, rearrange and put back. It’s also taboo to have mismatched towels. I was wringing my hands in anxiety upon learning this, because, I promise I’m not making this up, we’re still using some my grandparents bought us as a wedding present. They’re aged, but after showering, Gar loves to poke his finger into the thin fabric to dry inside his ears, and there’s so much sentimental value, I can’t bear to toss them (the towels, not Gar’s ears).  

According to experts, which I’m guessing are not much over 30, we’re supposed to use cloth napkins and candlesticks. I agree about fabric napkins vs. paper, and mentioned to an offspring I was sending her some. She answered, “Ok, but why?” I was naturally surprised at the question since the children were raised putting cloth ones in their lap every night at dinner, so I merely replied, “Because we’re not barbarians.” “Savages” can be substituted in the context. Candlesticks are questionable. Who, while raising kids, uses those? Every boy in the land would gleefully light them, then chase their brother down in an attempt to start his hair on fire. Do not incorporate anything that can put you on the 5 o’clock news.  

I will say the information stating not to use bedding as curtains was spot-on. Anytime Gar and I drive by a house with sheets, blankets or bedspreads as window coverings, we simultaneously quip, “They’re making meth.” I’ve told you — I’m not a good person. And now you know, I’ve rubbed off on Gar.  

It was mentioned that cutlery, dishes and serving platters should be updated and not hand-me-downs. Imagine, silverware from the same lineage. I’m all misty, dreaming what it would be like. I guess if the article’s author comes to my house to eat, rather than he be embarrassed by Grammy’s antique flatware, I’ll find used chopsticks I washed, and threw in the junk drawer with old rubber bands and rusty paperclips.   

Sadly, we’re not to own a futon either, but to be fair, the author said not to have one in the living room. I understand that. Anyone with a futon in the living room is either a recent college graduate, or a bloke using bed sheets to cover the windows while making contraband in the kitchen. We’re rebels with a cushy futon in Gar’s office. I guess it’s cushy. I’ve never heard a grandson complain, or the dust, and that’s basically all that sits on it. 

As an absolute no-no, the article’s writer was dead set against matching plastic accessories in the bathroom. I don’t have any of those because I used to have those, until raising a houseful of kids. They thought the plastic was disposable and initially, I didn’t think so, but then I stood corrected. The trashcan was the first to make the cut as expendable when it broke while being worn as a helmet in a swordfight. Then the plastic glass was split when it hit the bathtub instead of the spider, which was the intended target. I threw out the soap dish. Who could show their face in upper crust society with only a plastic soap dish and nothing else matching to round out the ensemble. And about kids — people who only have one child, don’t have children. They know who broke the lamp.  

As for aging, I mentioned to a son that I’m not as patient now as I once was. He cocked his head, then, because he’s 42 and no longer fears being grounded from prom, deadpanned, “I think it’s physically impossible that you could be less patient than you were when we were kids.”