Once upon a time in a movie, John Candy introduced himself saying, “Dell Griffin, American Light and Fixture, director of sales, shower curtain ring division.” Every now and then I’m tempted to introduce myself, “Trena Eiden, American Light and Fixture, director of sales, shower curtain ring division.” 

As I entered Smith’s, shopping for a client, there was a big bin, full of round, thick “Protein Pucks.” We eat protein bars so I bought one, eating half on the way home, while saving the other half to ask Gar if he liked it because he’s Mr. Picky. He took a bite and declared it “pretty good for a protein morsel.” When I shopped the next week, there was again a bin full, so I bought the grandkids each one plus a couple more for us. Arriving home I realized I’d bought green wrapped ones instead of brown wrapped. We tried the new ones, but found they weren’t nearly as good. When I read the ingredients, I saw why. The green pucks, while close to the same as the brown, had a couple different nuts, but had omitted the chocolate. Naturally, they weren’t as tasty. Duh. Smiths had switched the bins of pucks, but I hadn’t noticed. I sighed resignedly at my inattention to detail. The next week I took the green wrapped ones back, exchanged them for brown, and mailed them in puffy envelopes to grandkids, along with a note to each mother, “These are protein, but tasty, so probably have the same amount of sugar as Mike & Ike’s, but seeing ‘protein’ made me warm and fuzzy. There’s a story behind them of my usual ditziness that’ll reinforce your belief you were too hasty in marrying into this lineage.” 

After a couple weeks I heard back that the kids liked them, the lacrosse players thought, “Protein Pucks” to be very clever wording and all marriages were intact in spite of a nut for a mother-in-law. This tale of my shopping is to sadly, yet accurately show something … it’s why old people take forever to get anything done. 

A couple of years ago, our daughter, Lunny was building her house in Verdi, a suburb of Reno, Nevada. Gar had a trip planned to see her and take a load of her stuff we had stored at our place. I’d decided I couldn’t go as it was really busy at work and I felt I should stick around, but on a Sunday before he left, things fell into place at work so I decided to ride along. I didn’t talk to Lunny on the phone because I could hardly keep it a secret by text, much less with an actual conversation. 

I got off work one evening, drove home, repacked, got back in the truck, and drove halfway to Reno and spent the night. The next day, upon arriving at her apartment complex, I hopped out of the truck and hid behind a wall. Gar pulled forward and when Lunny saw him coming, she ran down the stairs to hug her dad. I waited for a bit then jumped out. She laughed and threw her arms around my neck. It was fun, but truly the best part was what happened while I was concealed, pinned against the bricks. 

A guy started to park by our vehicle when he saw me hiding by the building. He did a double take so I put my fingers to my lips like shhhhhhh. He stared at me for a few seconds as I watched him. I could see his brain processing me, deciding his next step. Then getting out of his car, he walked by Gar and Lunny, speaking a greeting. He kept moving, but the whole time he walked, he continued to stare at Lunny. I’m certain he was trying to determine if I was a weirdo (and here’s where we unanimously agree that’s correct) or a strange, old person (and that’d be right) or if he should tell her, “There’s a homeless psycho around the corner about to murder you.” It made my day. We never saw the man again and I’m sure he moved soon after that so he’d never have to endure that sort of situation again. 

I recently realized I’m old and goofy. I was at the clinic, sitting by a mother and little 3-year-old girl. I heard her ask, “Mommy, where’s the ice cream?” Her mother said they didn’t have any there. The little girl murmured, “Awe darn.” I never thought before, but now I’d like my doctor to serve ice cream too.