Trena Eiden

I once read, “In marriage, there isn’t a winner or loser in an argument, you either win together or you lose together.” Well, I beg to differ, and happily use Margaret Thacher’s advice, “You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” Gar is generally the sane one because he knows I’ll use both, “Go down with the ship,” and “I’ve picked this hill to die on.” Plus, I can really hold a grudge. Oh, Gar. 

Anyone who’s worried about Gar being browbeaten by me, should know that I know what a great catch I’ve got. I mean, the guy tells me he still finds me attractive in my birthday suit. Lord help him. Gar always wears his wedding ring even when I’m in Wyoming and he’s wintering in Texas or Florida. He jokingly tells me that at church, it keeps the older women at bay. We laugh, but really, wearing a wedding ring tells the rest of the world that you’re off limits. In my line of work, I don’t wear a wedding ring, but I do have flabby thighs and they speak for themselves. 

A note about speaking; Recently researchers discovered that the human voice is not just vibration and breath. It’s an orchestra of precision demanding dozens of coordinated systems to work at the exact same moment. Muscles tighten and release with millisecond accuracy, the larynx shifts shape, airflow is regulated by the diaphragm and the brain computes language, tone and meaning. All this happens instantaneously. Our speech is divinely developed, meaning God knew what he was doing and that’s the high point. The low down is more sinister. I’m not a screamer, and never have been. Even while the kids were growing up, I never yelled. “If you hit your brother again, I’m gonna break your arm” can be delivered in a fairly even tone and the voice conveys the intent.

I saw a joke where a man said, “Five percent of women are diagnosed with anger issues, the other 95% are running around undiagnosed.” He was either a single dude, or one actively trying to die. It did remind me of lyrics sung by Morgan Wallen, “If I’m the problem, you might be the reason.” There’s a few people I’ve told, “As a matter of fact, I do have anger issues and chances are, you’re the cause.” 

We’re told women speak more words than men, but this is true only between the ages of 25-64. Since that’s the age of childrearing, it makes perfect sense. Prior to 25, girls roll their eyes and grimace a lot. When kids come along, you can’t act the same age as your toddlers so you’re forced to speak. Then there’s the teenage years which cause mothers to go hoarse, when what is really needed is a recording, “No, you can’t” and “No you’re not.” This would put women and men on the same word equivalent. After 64, the kids are out of the house and women can rest their vocal cords. They know it does no good to talk anyway because the man in the house isn’t listening. And if women speak a few more words in those older years, it’s because she’s repeating herself, “I SAID the ketchup is in the fridge DOOR.” 

Gar and I both know that I devalue foods when I cook, and have an unfortunate habit of braising, baking, basting or browning food, slightly beyond way too long. I have culinary incompetence, which I like to call, “Gourmet butterfingers” because it sounds somehow less ominous when I tell guests we pray after the meal, as well as before, just in case. Somehow, I manage to stay plump as a partridge, which goes to show life is not fair. I winter and summer very well and really should cut back on carbs, and figured it an omen when in my file I found a quote by Joan Rivers, “She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends.” 

The best tips for life are:

Eat a chocolate bar before each meal, it’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less. 

Be wise knowing a box of chocolates provides your total daily intake of calories in one place.

If the problem is how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car, the solution is you eat it in the parking lot. (I typed these into google and it said, “These are not good ideas.”)   

Jason Love said, “Chocolate is an anti-depressant, which is especially useful as you start to gain weight.”