Trena Eiden

Once in a while I read about someone who has disappeared on purpose; they plan it, they do it, and they’re never heard from again, but I couldn’t do it. I’m too bossy responsible. As soon as I left the house, I wouldn’t drive five blocks before pounding the steering wheel yelling, “Dang it!” I’d have to call back to ask if I unplugged the coffee pot. Hours later I’d remember I hadn’t gotten the clothes out of the dryer, so I’d call home again. Then I’d call because I’d wonder if I’d turned off the basement lights. Sitting by a pool somewhere, I’d call to tell somebody the light bill was due. But maybe I overestimate my usefulness. I once read that a woman’s son had been away FOR A WEEK on a school trip when she asked her daughter, “Do you miss your brother?” Looking puzzled the girl asked, “Isn’t he in his room?” I won’t run away. I wouldn’t want to chance that scenario. 

South Korean airport operators built a concrete mound at the end of Muan International Airport’s runway. What should they have built? Oh, lets go crazy and say, how about a collapsable material that when hit by a plane with no brakes, wouldn’t kill everyone on board. How bout that? 

One of our daughters-in-law had surgery not long ago and I thought I’d send her flowers. I called the hospital and asked if they had a gift shop that sold flowers? Yes, they did. I asked if they could put me through? Sure could. When the gift shop answered I asked if I could get a bouquet taken to a room? The young man, who’d heard this request about a million times, said no, and when I started to fuss, he wasn’t having it. He had a speech memorized and he never took a breath, “No, I’m sorry, we can’t deliver for you, you’ll have to go online to get that done, and there’s a few steps, so get a pencil and write this down, you’ll type lorisgifts.com, then press send gift, choose the state, we’re in Florida, then type the hospital, this is Baptist, then the store number and that number is 408, good luck and thank you for calling Baptist Hospital.”

I did that and as I looked at the sight, I was intrigued by the gift assortment. There was a heading, “Personal Care and Soothing Items.” I clicked it and there was one product and it was Mack’s Earplugs. It didn’t fit under personal care nor soothing anything, but the container was affordable at $4.99. Then I clicked the heading, “Foods.” It was chocolate chip cookies, a dozen for $49.98. Good night! I think I yipped a little. Maybe cussed. I sent flowers and she got them before she even got out of recovery. Whew! Those little buggers were complicated but they were quick. 

I read on a Facebook post in my community, “Does anywhere here sell dog diapers?” I’d never heard of such nonsense and grimaced, “Oh yish.” But, someone replied, “If you don’t find any, I have some extras I can sell you.” Oof, what’s happened to our earth? In the Bible, Paul tells us we should practice compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I’m not saying that’s not true and I’m not saying we shouldn’t be doing all those things. I’m just saying I’m like the guy who said, “I’m just gonna say it. Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.” 

Recently Nature, a world-renowned weekly internation scientific journal, published a study saying a proton’s radius measures 0.84 femtometers. It’s the most precise measurement of the subatomic particle to date. For decades a proton’s radius was believed to measure 0.88 femtometers. Like I care. They droned on and on about it and I’d tell you more, but my eyes glazed over. Just to remind you, I’m the woman who measures things by saying, “It’s 3 inches and four little marks.” 

The older I get the worse my thinking skills and I’ve recently started putting my vitamins in a pill box lest I say, “Did I take my pills this morning or did I only think I did?” I also have a new plan for when I meet people I might know from somewhere. I immediately put my hand out and say, “You look familiar, but I can’t remember your name.” It’s more embarrassing for them than me, I’ll add that, and so would my kids, especially if it’s one of them.