Trena Eiden

Marsha is married to Ted, who was an alcoholic, but has been sober for 17 years. She said, “I’ve been married 42 years. I liked him the first year and the last 17. Those 30 in between, not so much.” 

It’s estimated that an adult makes approximately 35,000 decisions daily. Those decisions cover a lot of choices starting with, when to wake up, what to wear and what to eat. Cornell University estimated that people make over 200 choices on just food. This has never been the case at our house. I have limited vision when it comes to preparing meals and my favorite choice, according to my offspring is, “Take it or leave it.” 

Jeff Bezos claims he makes only three decisions per day. Everything else is delegated, automated or eliminated, and the decisions he makes are about business, not mundane, everyday things like normal people. I will add, Jeff is divorced and remarried, so maybe he should have thrown a few thoughts out to his first wife about what to have for lunch. 

One of the biggest decisions we make is who to marry. That selection should be methodical because it’s worth taking the time to think about. Gar should have thought a smidge longer than he did and we’re both aware. When I asked if he’d like to renew our wedding vows he immediately replied, “Once of that was enough.” So, we need to be careful who we decide to share our life with. It’s been said that prior to considering if a person is marriage material, we should witness how he/she handles a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. This is good advice, but honestly, Gar and I are on a level playing field when it comes to the frustration of untangling lights, a garden hose or a 50-foot drop cord. We both think, “Maybe swearing will help.” But here’s real words of wisdom; when Gar or I are handling those pesky, aggravating jobs, the other of us finds something to do far away so there’s no yelling at anything but the objects. We don’t get divorced that way. 

Divorce isn’t usually the answer, nor does it produce a good outcome much of the time. Studies show people who get divorced are often no happier than people who stay married. I totally get this because conflicts are the biggest reason shown for giving up on a marriage, but there will always be exasperations and annoyances in life. And if we don’t have them, we create them. I recently read an article by a young woman who said, “A guy broke up with me by saying things were too easy between us and he needed more conflict. I should have punched him in the face.” Oh, too funny. The guy was a weirdo, and she’s better off without him. 

Half of all marriages work, yes, a little over 50%, so why do we say 50% end in divorce? Gar and I keep things rolling because, on the days that one of us is the worst version of ourselves, the other forgives our weirdness. We can’t expect perfection, and unmet expectations is a killer in a relationship. Men and women are incredibly different and the only woman I know who was quiet, making her the odd girl out, is in Luke 2:19. Mary had given birth to Jesus, and he was lying in a manger, the angels had come and gone and the shepherds had been there, but left to spread the word about what they’d seen, then Luke writes a curious thing, “Mary pondered these things in her heart.” What self-control, restraint and discipline. I ponder, but like most women, I purge, vent and unleash. Women speak a few thousand more words than men every day, so guys, embrace it, and if you don’t learn to love it, at least get used to it. Gar is convinced his wife is like Oscar Wilde, who said, “I save time by doing all the talking myself.” The Bible tells men to “Love your wives as yourself, for they are an extension of your body.” If that’s the case, Gar would say, “I have a mouthy appendage.” 

With marriage, one of the most important things to remember is ask for help when you need it and give help when you can, and know it’ll never be easy. Col. Ed Shames, a decorated war hero and combat veteran, was married over 70 years when he quipped, “I didn’t know what war was until I met my wife.”