Trena Eiden

Researchers claim just thinking about the gym can be as effective as actually going. I’m gonna claim somebody with low energy paid a lot of money to get researchers to say that. It might make sense though, I’ve never thought about the gym and look at me. If just thinking about exercise will make me lithe and trim, I’ll add it to my to do list. Someone was asked how their exercise routine was going? She answered, “I have bouts of enthusiasm followed by chronic inertia.” Amen. I don’t know if the researchers would feel exercise would help a bad attitude, probably not since they never brought that up. Frankly, I’m glad they didn’t. I’d hate to think about the gym, turn up happy at work and be fired because they’d figure I was snorting cocaine.  

Romans 12:18 says, “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceable with all men.” I’m a dismal disappointment to Jesus. I lean in more with the woman who faked being blind for years to avoid small talk. Even creatures agree with me. I read that most types of octopuses are antisocial and though I’ve never considered myself an octopus, I guess anything is possible. Scientists did a lab experiment and gave octopuses in a tank the drug Ecstasy, and it caused them to become social. I dunno, I’ve eaten chocolate and it’s basically Ecstasy I think, but it did not make me social. I guess it turns out I’m not an octopus.  

I found out that brainless box jellyfish can be trained to alter their behavior as a result of past experiences. This was a depressing moment for me. A jellyfish with no brain could adjust their lives to be better by remembering what not to do. Without a brain they learned. Oh, the anguish. Another study on jellyfish and sea anemone found their sleep patterns showed a remarkable similarity to humans, all sleeping about a third of the day, those deprived of sleep suffer DNA damage, and given melatonin, will sleep more. The study, showing similarities between humans and brainless invertebrates made me wonder how I might fit in. Then it all became clear. Who was paid for these studies and how much of my paycheck went into doing them, thus making me look bad? My brain works remarkably like a brainless, albeit, wise box jellyfish when it comes to money or food. Otherwise, I’ll just pretend I’m blind or an octopus, minus the drugs.  

I can be joyful, not often and not by most people, but every now and then I get tickled. Yesterday I saw an ad for individuals who struggle to wake up in the morning, and have perhaps been warned by a boss that if they’re late again, they’ll no longer be working where they’re working. The solution is an alarm clock, and not just any old run-of-the-mill alarm clock. No, this one is named, “Clocky” and it’s on wheels, and when it goes off, it leaps off the nightstand and starts zooming around while ringing so loud you have to yell to hear over it, according to the seller. Finally, after ringing and rolling, it stops the forward motion and hides, but continues to blast at 80 decibels, forcing you to chase it down to find where it’s hidden. So great.  

Secular scientists often assume that “early humans” were primitive and unsophisticated. By watching me they’d say they aren’t wrong and we haven’t gained much. But historical records indicate evidence that ancient surgeons performed cataract surgery dating back to 1000 B.C. in India, then later in Greece and Rome. Though crude to modern standards, this method, called couching, required anatomical understanding and steady hands. There were also cities built, musical instruments crafted and metal works forged. Adam from the Bible obviously wasn’t primitive since he named the animals and understood his environment. So, humans were created with intellect and intelligence, then we obviously went off the pier.  

In 1995 McArthur Wheeler attempted to rob two banks with lemon juice on his face. He and his accomplice wore no masks, believing the lemon juice would make them invisible to security cameras. This absurd logic led to a label, “The Dunning-Kruger Effect” is for those with low ability and obvious limited capabilities for a task, who tend to drastically overestimate their own competence. When I told Gar about Mr. Wheeler, I added, “Ain’t you glad I ain’t that dumb?” He nodded, but was thinking, “I remember the day you thought two people could drive three cars 90 miles home.” Oh ya, just call me Mrs. Dunning-Kruger.