As winter settles in, the colorful leaves have fallen, pumpkins are tucked away, and gatherings of gratitude have come and gone. Now many of us turn our attention toward the next holiday — Christmas. In my therapy office, I often hear clients express relief that their shopping is done, yet their caring, sensitive minds remain busy and rushed. Responsibilities pile up. With travel plans, anxiety rises about spending time with certain people. My role is often to help them pause, slow down, and remember the importance of self-care.

The holiday season, while meaningful, can also amplify stress — especially for those who struggle with boundaries. Many clients admit they have difficulty saying “no” to people or situations, even when their bodies and minds are clearly signaling the need for limits. I remind them to listen to their bodies, as Dr. Gabor Maté encourages in his book “When The Body Says No.” When we ignore our inner signals for too long, our bodies may eventually say “no” for us — through exhaustion, illness or emotional burnout. Listening earlier — when your body whispers — can prevent bigger problems later.

Behind the struggle to say no, there is often a history of trauma or repeated boundary crossings earlier in life. Trauma can disconnect people from their bodies and blur their sense of where they end and others begin. As children, many learned to survive by adapting — becoming hyper-attuned to others’ needs, emotions, and expectations. These survival strategies may have helped them feel safer at the time, but in adulthood, they often become patterns that no longer serve them.

Over time, these individuals may develop core beliefs about themselves, others, and the world that are inefficient or even harmful. They become people-pleasers, driven by unconscious fears: fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure — or sometimes even fear of success. When safety and belonging were uncertain in the past, approval from others can feel essential for feeling worthy and secure.

I gently remind my clients that they have made it to adulthood, where they now have far more choices than they did as children. They are no longer living in survival mode, even though their nervous systems may still behave as if they are. The struggle persists because people-pleasing can feel strangely familiar and even comforting, despite its high cost — chronic stress, resentment, physical illness or burnout.

‘When The Body Says No’

I once worked with a client who described himself as “impossible to say no,” no matter how hard he tried. In his 50s, he was living in a nursing home due to multiple sclerosis (MS). I met with him there for counseling — a kind and deeply caring man who had devoted much of his life to others. Until his diagnosis, he had been extremely health-conscious: exercising regularly, eating well, avoiding smoking and alcohol, and maintaining a positive mindset. When he developed MS, he was confused and devastated.

While reading “When The Body Says No,” he came across a case study involving a person with MS. Suddenly, something clicked. He began reflecting on his childhood and shared a pivotal memory. As a young, adventurous boy, he and his brother wandered into a deserted building in their neighborhood and became lost. Their mother, searching for them, stepped on a large nail that pierced her foot, causing severe injury. Although others rushed to help her, my client remembered being overwhelmed by guilt and fear. No one helped him process those emotions. Alone with his distress, he learned to blame himself.

He coped by pushing his feelings down and taking care of everyone else. That pattern followed him into adulthood. As an adult, he recognized how this unprocessed trauma shaped his life. He believed his worth came from being helpful, nice, and never disappointing anyone. This became his way of feeling safe, worthy and accepted in the world — until his body could no longer carry the burden.

‘The Courage

It could be scary not to be liked, which can set off a survival instinct. Thus, saying no can feel terrifying, because it may trigger old fears of rejection or abandonment. Yet, these fears are often exaggerated. We do not have to believe every anxious thought that arises. As the authors of “The Courage to Be Disliked” remind us, a fulfilling life is built not on constant approval, but on authenticity, freedom, and alignment with our values.

Saying no for a
quality yes

Author Greg McKeown illustrates this in “Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.” When he was exhausted and burned out, he chose to attend only the meetings that truly mattered and declined the rest. Initially, others were upset. Over time, they adjusted — and ultimately valued his presence even more when he did show up.

Saying no allows us to say a higher quality yes to what matters most. Our time and energy are limited and precious. As Christmas approaches, it may help to ask yourself: What truly matters to me this season? What do I want this holiday to represent?

Boundaries can be small: saying no to an extra commitment, taking a break from social media, asking for alone time, or being honest about how you feel. You don’t have to explain or justify your limits to everyone. Communicate what is OK and what is not OK for you. In doing so, you may discover your own unique meaning, beauty, and truth this holiday season.

With curiosity and presence, remember that regardless of past experiences or current challenges, it is always possible to create moments of joy, peace and grace.

Merry Christmas to you all!

(Myoung Shin Hilson is a psychotherapist and a member of NAMI Wyoming.)