Trena Eiden

A spider ran across the couch and I caught him, then carefully scrutinized the area. Later, I thought, why is it when we see a spider, we look for others, as if science has kept something from us … spiders travel in packs.  

There are camel beauty contests and it’s no joke because $66 million in prize money is at stake. What do the judges look for in a camel’s attributes? They use 3D ultrasound and X-rays of heads, necks and torsos, do genetic analysis with samples, and carefully survey the animal’s posture. They look for big, long drooping noses, large, thick lips, and a shapely hump. I kid you not, I’d qualify. My nose provides shade at weddings, my lips need no fillers and with my dowager’s hump, I am without exaggeration, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Hello, my name is Trena Eiden and I am a beautiful camel. 

In 2021 at King Abdulaziz Camel Festival in Saudia Arabia, 33,000 camel owners, from not only the Middle East and Asia, but the U.S., Russia and France participated in the month-long pageant. Unfortunately, 40 camels were disqualified for using Botox injections, collagen fillers, and cosmetic alterations to enhance their beauty. Owners used Botox to enlarge lips, noses and jaws, hormone injections boosted muscle growth, rubber bands inflated body parts, and unbelievably, there were facelifts.  

All this hullabaloo is ridiculous because camels are amazing without the added lipstick. They can drink fresh or salty water, even water from the Dead Sea, because their kidneys filter salt. They have a low sweat rate, conserving fluids, and their red blood cells function fine, even when dehydrated. The roof of their mouth and lips is armored and saliva is acidic and highly lubricating to dissolve thorns. Their two eyelids block sandstorms and they can adjust body temperature to comfortably endure over 120 degrees in summer and 40 below in winter. I’m guessing camels are wondering why they aren’t enough just the way they are. I wonder too. Then again, they do spit a regurgitated, foul-smelling stomach acid, so they do need to work on their personality. I’ve been told the same so I would know.  

When it comes to personalities, I’ll admit I’m a little jealous of cats. They are, for the most part, indifferent, uninterested and rude every day, and yet their caregiver is like, “Awwww.” There was a cat named Mr. Mittens, and when he died his owners buried him and put his picture on a headstone with, “He was a terrible pet but we loved him anyway.” A study noted that cats have 276 distinct facial expressions. I personally feel they’re all negative, similar to a teenager’s. Indoor felines can live 15-20 years, while the average outdoor cat has a lifespan of generally no more than three years. In my opinion, those early deaths are probably because none of the animals on the outside put up with their crap.  

We have a friend, Bill, who has an ancient cat named, Willow. When I ask about Willow he always answers, “Willow is up to sleeping about 23 ½ hours a day.” One early afternoon, Bill came to visit, and knowing he’d been to the café for breakfast, I asked him, “What’s the news on the street. He said, “Nothin’ much.” I said, “Well, what are you saying?” He said, “Nothin’ much.” I asked, “Well, what’s Willow saying?” He replied, “Bill, don’t die until I do.”  

Studies tell us that some newts, frogs and dragonflies fake their own death to avoid, not only mating, but to deter ugly males. Maybe some newt, frog and dragonfly males need Botox, or a gym membership.  

In the 1960s, Omaha, Nebraska’s Henry Doorly Zoo had a Sumatran orangutan named Fu Manchu. His enclosure gate was often unlocked, so he’d frequently escape, sometimes with his orangutan family, but staff couldn’t understand how. When they examined Fu Manchu, they’d find no key nor device. Finally, the head keeper, secretly watching, discovered the orangutan had found a small piece of wire in his enclosure, which he’d bent into a hook. During inspections, he’d hide it between his lip and gum, demonstrating remarkable intelligence, planning, problem solving skills, tool-use capabilities and hiding of evidence. He was jokingly made an honorary member of the American Association of Locksmiths. Intelligent, with problem solving skills and tool-use capabilities … oh how Gar wishes that would have been me last summer. I locked us out of the camper and we had to break a window. I hadn’t hidden a wire, but then honestly, I wouldn’t have A. Known how to use it nor B. Remembered where I’d put it.