Trena Eiden

Every year, I torture family and friends by forcing them to read my after-Christmas letter, and have shared newsy notes in columns. This year I considered changing it up to write an embellished version. Mark Twain had a couple of quotes I love, “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story,” and “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” That’s like a license to do whatever I want, which is right up my alley, so here’s how it might read …

Dearest ones,

It’s been a fabulously successful year for the Eiden’s. We’re so busy we barely have time to sleep, but luckily, we’re born with such good genes, we hardly need rest. Gar, of course, is praising Jesus for having me to look up to and can’t believe his good fortune. I know this because yesterday he said, “God and I can’t believe our good fortune in having you to look up to.” He practically melts with admiration for me when I give him little reminders. Like last summer when I saw him putting his fishing pole in the truck and mentioned we had a luncheon at my aunt’s and would be spending the afternoon playing pinochle. He got misty-eyed thinking of it. 

Our children are so amazing, they’re practically dignitaries, like chips off the old block, and mirror images of their dad and me. They feel so blessed, by me especially, that they bow down before me whenever I come into a room. I tell them, calling me “Queen” is probably sufficient. 

Our oldest is a petroleum engineer and works so hard, he barely eats. He toils, scrutinizing multiple computer monitors over numerous drilling rigs at once and tells us that we’ve made him everything he is. He feels his dad and I are nearly to the point of perfection, and he becomes emotional sharing his reverence for us, which is fitting, but sometimes we must ask him to stop thanking us for being so great. 

Our second child is a doctor in a partnership with two other physicians, but it’s our son who has so many professional certifications on his office wall, he may have to use one of his partners walls to put up the rest of his credentials. He worships us and it’s almost embarrassing how he bestows upon us his never-ending devotion, adoration and words of endearment, especially for me, of course. 

Our third is also a son, who, as a chemical engineer, can do no wrong in anyone’s eyes as he’s practically flawless. He says he’s not perfect, but morning, noon and night we see his greatness, which obviously comes from his father and me. He idolizes us and can’t tell us enough about the admiration he has for Gar and me, especially me. He tells me daily he applauds everything I say, and appreciates so much each profound text I send him. 

The last child, a daughter, is a NICU supervisor and transport nurse who stays incredibly busy, but still has time for what she loves, first, gardening, then cooking, with cleaning a close third. She’s just as fervent as her brothers in her euphoria at seeing her dad and me and is passionate about demonstrating her glee, for me especially, and turns down my side of the bed, placing a chocolate on my pillow. 

Gar is an exceptional father and husband, but realizes it’s because I’ve taught him everything he knows. He and the children are well aware that I am fabulous at everything, and can’t seem to do a thing wrong. It’s truly magnificent to be this great. As for Gar, I tried to give him a parent-of-the-year award, but he graciously gave it right back to me. I was so touched because after all, I truly deserved it.

We hope this letter finds you striving to be as amazing as we are.

From the Incredible Eiden’s 

If you believe any of that rubbish, I’d like to meet up and discuss a money transfer from your bank account to mine, because you are really gullible. The only part of the note that was accurate was our offspring’s professions and that they are hard workers. They put their dad and me to shame in all aspects of life and will happily tell me to my face they aren’t sure what to do with me now that they’ve got me. People say, “I’ll bet your kids think you’re funny.” My kids think I should be in either a mental institution or a nursing home, and the sooner, the better.