Doug Blough

My brother Paul ran into Scott Kolpitcke recently and Scott was laughing at the memory of squaring off against me in a jury trial when I represented myself. Yes, I had a fool for a client and the serious jury trial came off like a Saturday Night Live skit.

At issue was my wrong assumption my work permit was in effect during my license suspension for being a naughty boy. I worked on a roof one day and on the way home with my dogs, my truck suddenly ran out of gas while driving up the East Sheridan hill to my townhouse, which made no sense since I had gotten gas earlier. I was forced to coast my old truck backwards down that steep, snow-covered hill and push it off the road as far as humanly possible. I walked my dogs home and settled into the couch for the night.

An hour later, came a knock at the door and it was Officer John Beck asking about my truck and I explained it had run out of gas. “Well, you can’t just leave it there barely off the road. I’ll take you for gas.” On the way, he asked, “Are you even supposed to be driving? “He radioed in to find out I wasn’t and issued a driving-while-suspended citation.

So the totality of my case was that nobody ever saw me driving that night. Who’s to say someone else wasn’t driving my truck? (I later figured out my dog Trinity had bumped the dual-tank lever with his big nose and switched me to the empty tank). Right off the bat the day of the trial, I was at a disadvantage since I lost my reading glasses while jumping out of my ride’s car in a rush. Judge Webster graciously took me into his chambers and loaned me a pair.

It was time to pick jurors, which was confusing how we each may reject a certain number and what-not and I had to be reminded of protocol several times. I recall asking one prospective juror, “Other than finding my columns unfunny, is there any reason you couldn’t remain impartial?” At one point, this middle-aged guy said he was confused about his impartiality, so Judge Webster took him, me and prosecutor Kolpitcke into his chambers for a conference.

The guy goes into this diatribe about how he’s good friends with many of the cops and attends their functions. He looks right at me and says, “And I would believe any police officer before I’d believe Doug Blough.” I thanked him for his honesty and whispered to Scott, “Sounds like I’ve got a fan.”

So that sourpuss was recused and back inside the proceedings continued. I got confused again and for about the third time, Scott had to come over to my table to whisper explanations. As he walked away, I looked out at the crowded docket and said, “He’s kind of new at this, but with my help he’ll get it figured out.” Crowd laughter can go a long way in breaking tension, as Judge Webster was getting demonstrably impatient with my mental lapses.

The crux of my case as I explained to the jury was that no one had seen me driving and that my usual arresting officer Beck was just out to get me. I even got to cross-examine Beck and had him admit each time I ran afoul of the law, he was the arresting officer. He also was forced to admit he held the record for DUI arrests for several years running.

So in my summation, my honest-to-a-fault policy wouldn’t allow me to just say someone else was driving, but as I told them, “Who had been driving is irrelevant. The officer came upon a resting vehicle.” Well, Mr. Kolpitke had put together a sound case and even though the jury was out for a lengthy spell, they returned with a guilty verdict. I found out later they would have quickly found me innocent had I just said someone else was driving.

I learned that day that honesty has no business in a court of law. I found myself up against Kolpitcke again in a Failure-to-Appear case in which Al Simpson was my character witness. I think Judge Webster and Kolpitcke would agree Defense Attorney Blough was a character.