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August 16, 2012 9:27 am

MY LOUSY WORLD: Animal ACLU

Written by Doug Blough

I’m launching the Animal ACLU: “Animal Caretakers Litigating Unflattering treatment.” Our goal is to make animals equal to humans in all areas, and if not, we’ll sue the pants off this “humans first” society.

Sure, the Bible says God gave man dominion over animals, but you’ll find your dictionary describes “dominion” as “to submit to; bow down, take a back seat to.” (Don’t bother checking — I just told you what it says).

One thing that really irks our organization is people calling dogs “boy.” You’ve heard it: “Come on boy,” or, “Attaboy.” We find it demeaning and believe they do, too. If your dog could speak, I believe he’d snap, “Who you callin’ boy? I’m not your BOY!”

Another thing that ruffles our feathers is people referring to animals as “it” — as in “It’s been throwing up, Doc,” or “Your dog is not a Boston terrier; it’s a collie. Its eyes are bugging out like that because its collar is too tight.” He or she is not an it, and it only takes but a minute to conduct a genitalia check.

Even a small Schnauzer is gonna be packing something or other. Check it out, Lazybones, and for heaven’s sake, don’t do it around a crowd. How would you like your sex evaluated in the middle of City Park? Take the animal to a private area and explain WHY you’re about to grope his body like supermarket produce.

My dearly-departed, animal savior friend Gayla Molatch had a Chihuahua with both male and female sex organs, but even she — or he for that matter — should not be referred to as “it.” “Lucky” would be more appropriate, as he’ll be pursued and sniffed by all persuasions. In our exclusionary, human world, we (and I’m in no way suggesting that I myself am hermaphrodite) would more likely be ridiculed, shunned, shoved, and only invited to parties to be set up for bathroom pranks.

Our organization feels a pet should never be led from a leash, as that too is demeaning and injurious to self esteem. Are they not worthy of choosing the path of direction at least 50 percent of the time? It’s fine to suggest going one way or the other, but a pet should have some say in it. Further indignation ensues with, “Let’s go, BOY.” Talk about adding insult to perjury!

We strongly object to animal slang like, “More than one way to skin a cat.” If someone said, “There’s more than one way to skin a small child,” we’d all be up in arms. “Sleeping like a dog?” No, you’re not sleeping like a dog until you’ve been ordered off the bed without a blanket or a pillow.

Lose the expression “horsing around,” too. Most horses are as serious and responsible as any other animal — certainly more so than the goat.

Not only do we shun rodeos, but aren’t sure a horse should ever be mounted and ridden. There’s a good chance they might object to this burdensome pastime — we’re just not sure, so we’d rather err on the side of basic rights. If they need exercise, take them swimming at the lake, for a brisk walk on the track, or toss a Frisbee. Make exercise time fun time, not a time to rest your lazy keester at the expense of your companion’s joints.

Let’s make the term “pack horse” obsolete, and an animal shouldn’t be used to pack firearms under any circumstances. More horses are killed each year by gun accidents than hoof and mouth disease and automobile accidents combined.

And don’t get me started on fishing abuses. Do fishermen have to club them like that? What, they can’t use sedatives, or even painless injections to subdue fish once they’re reeled in? If Scott Peterson can expect that courtesy, why not a trout, who has killed no one and has never even met Amber Frey?

The Animal ACLU is on the loose, so be soothing or be sued…BOY!

(The AACLU’s views in no way reflect those of the Park County Animal Shelter, which has no problem with hunting and rodeos, but does not condone cockfighting or cat juggling).

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