MY LOUSY WORLD: Stuff I don’t know and can’t prove


There are many things in this life that aren’t even up for debate since they’re so obvious. For instance, if I set my alarm for anytime earlier than 9 a.m., I’ll hit the snooze three times and hours later will find the clock on the floor missing the battery. We know this.

But many other things — like who will win the Super Bowl Sunday — we have no way of knowing for sure. I’m betting on the underdog Falcons purely on flawless instincts born of decades of gambling. But many things remain unknown, at least in the mind of this reporter. For instance:

• Do the hairs on the neck really stand up? I repeatedly hear that claim on my true-life crime shows. Either a detective, crime victim or witness will say, “It made the hairs on my neck stand up.” Sometimes it’s even, “the hairs on my neck literally stood up.” But as Donald Trump has taught us, “literally” isn’t always meant to be taken literally.

• Do detectives reimburse homeowners after they beat down doors, tear up carpets or backyards looking for blood and bodies? Innocent or guilty, who cleans up that carnage?

• How about when they confiscate someone’s vehicle they purchased from a murder suspect? Once they tear up the carpet and remove the seats looking for hairs, do they buy that poor sap a new vehicle, or is it just “Buyer beware?”

• How does God hear everyone praying at once? Oh, I realize he’s omnipotent, omnipresent and ambidextrous, but millions at once? Does he tune out certain repetitive ramblers, thinking, “Yeah, yeah; same old ‘forgive me for the usual sin’ broken record?” 

Now, I’m not placing myself on an equal level with the almighty, but I can’t even think of a favorite song’s lyrics when another is playing in the background. I’m sure some days are easier, but on Easter Sunday morning, with millions praying all at once, in dozens of different languages, it’s gotta be next-to-impossible.

• Why does it matter which direction I rotate my Marie Callender Salisbury Steak? Right there on the box, it insists, “Pull back film and stir potatoes. Rotate steak one-half turn, counterclockwise …” Before I noticed the specific direction, I had just spun the entire dinner while pinning down the steak. Now I have no idea which direction the meat was technically spun.

• How does one win a political debate with a conspiracy theorist? I can prove or disprove hard facts, but theories can’t be disproved — especially when seeming proof is always met with, “No, it has happened … YET.”

Great! So now we realists not only have to prove something didn’t happen, but also something won’t happen in some open-ended future!

The second favorite C.T. “go to” is the old, “Of course you haven’t heard, because the mainstream media won’t report it.” It’s futile pointing out the obvious — that the liberal media salivates at reporting anything that might hurt or even destroy the Republicans, and likewise Fox and right-wing talk radio chomps at the bit for that provable knockout punch. But that inescapable logic is sidestepped with, “Oh no; they’re the same. They’re all controlled by the government and cover up certain huge stories.”

So you’ve got two bloodthirsty, competing parties, independents hoping to discredit both, social media, your Snowdens, Assanges, Wiki-Leaks, and now even the wiretapping Russians — all prowling like lions for red meat exclusives. Yet I’m to believe mind-blowing scandals are ingeniously, jointly concealed forever from Joe Public?

I’d more likely believe a Super Bowl was rigged for a predetermined outcome, with every single player on both teams, all refs and possibly even the announcers in on the perfectly synchronized fix. Just one weak link or disgruntled participant could expose everything, but they stay locked in perfect unison with no one the wiser.

Well, I can‘t prove otherwise, and therein lies the genius of the conspiracy theory. George Bush and the Jews orchestrated 9/11, Michelle Obama was born a man and Hillary ran an underage sex ring out of a Jersey pizza parlor. Too bad both parties and all news outlets have agreed to keep the proof to themselves in a show of mutual respect.

Riiiiight! And I suppose man will one day walk on the moon!