COLUMN LIKE I SEE 'EM: Aliens, escorts and home field advantage: An inning-by-inning All-Star Game log

Posted 7/17/14

The Captain’s 2-for-2 performance somewhat squelched my argument for his objectively ridiculous inclusion in the game, but there was plenty else on top of DJ’s half-season goodbye to examine and ridicule.

Here is an inning-by-inning …

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COLUMN LIKE I SEE 'EM: Aliens, escorts and home field advantage: An inning-by-inning All-Star Game log

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The 2014 Major League Baseball All-Star Game was pre-packaged with so many story lines that it might have been the most objectively interesting Mid-Summer Classic in years.

The biggest draw was, of course, the final ASG appearance of Derek Jeter, one of the most subjectively loved figures to ever play the game.

The Captain’s 2-for-2 performance somewhat squelched my argument for his objectively ridiculous inclusion in the game, but there was plenty else on top of DJ’s half-season goodbye to examine and ridicule.

Here is an inning-by-inning dumb-thought catalog of the 2014 All-Star Game.

Pre-game: With Joe Buck being as white and bland as ever (he reportedly scrapes the salt off Saltines so they go better with filtered water) who will pick up the torch that was left to burn down my love of baseball by Tim McCarver? Oh why isn’t it Harold Reynolds (star of the Twitter account @HeardOnMLBT, which quotes particularly hilarious yet depressing quotes from nightly MLB Network recap show).

Reynolds’ gems include, “Aaron Hicks is having a good season,” (Hicks was batting .170/.315/.239 at the time), “Why do they call it K/9 if they never go 9?” and, my personal favorite, “The reason I don’t like run differential is because you start every game 0-0.”

Tom Verducci, I’m pretty sure they pay you to not speak but there’s no way you or anyone could overcome the mess that Fox commits to year after year.

OK, on to the game.

Top 1:

• Seattle’s Felix Hernandez is taking the mound and, is that a neck tattoo? I had no idea. That goes to show you how bad the Mariners have been when one of the league’s best pitchers can have an awful neck tattoo and live in relative obscurity.

• Thank God Andrew McCutchen was safe. Had Jeter’s dive and throw punched ‘Cutch out, the world would have exploded. I couldn’t stand to hear about how Jeter “still has it” even though he hasn’t had All-Star range since I was in high school. And don’t take this as me being a Jeter “hater.”

While I certainly root against the Yankees I respect Jeter as an all-time great who played the game with class. But let’s not confuse the meaning of “all-time” great. Jeter is one of the best shortstops of all time, but he hasn’t been great for all of his time.

• And as I finish my anti-Jeter notes, that Jordan “tip your cap” commercial comes on and kicks up all sorts of dust from behind this bar.

• Too bad Michael Jordan’s ego is so big no one would dare talk him out of that awful hat.

Bottom 1:

• Jeter’s first at-bat — DJ’s lead-off double hurts my argument that the All-Star Game can be meaningful (decide home-field advantage) OR be a popularity contest that favors sentimental choices like Jeter, who is closer to the worst five shortstops in baseball than the best five in his final season.

• While I openly question the ASG’s validity as a meaningful baseball game, I fully enjoy it as a uniform comparison laboratory. (More on this later.)

• Mike Trout hits a triple, is amazing, will rule us all some day. (Though Jeter scores in the process and all but clinches the MVP trophy.)

• So far Yasiel Puig has struck out swinging and run into a wall. Thoroughly enjoying this game so far.

• Miguel Cabrera’s two-run blast briefly reduces Jeter’s MVP odds to 1-5.

Top second:

• So, back to fashion. The National League’s at bats are so much more fun because each boring gray road jersey looks terrible in front of Kansas City Royals catcher Salvador Perez’s powder blue catcher’s gear.

• Aramis Ramirez starts for the NL at third base with a sweet .795 OPS. He probably shouldn’t be at the game, let alone starting! (He promptly hits a first-pitch single.)

• Chase Utley, future prospect-eating Giant, swings at two balls in the dirt just to show Bruce Bochy he belongs in the black and orange before drilling a double off the right-center fence.

• Something evil just happened. Mike Trout didn’t catch a ball hit within 1,000 feet of him.

• Carlos Gomez yells at his bat during and after a strikeout, instantly making Patrick Roy his biggest fan.

• The inning ends with me being mad at myself for how much I’m enjoying this game. I came into it fully prepared to slam it for having the gall to even exist, but the ASG can’t help that Bud Selig made a huge overreaction 12 years ago. All it can do is swing by once a year in attempt to bring fun to baseball fans, and so far it’s succeeding.

Commercial break:

• Let’s take this time to congratulate Minneapolis on Target Field. It’s a gorgeous looking stadium (one of just 26 I’ve yet to visit) in a city that is consistently raved about by people who take the time to enjoy a location for something other than its weather.

• The broadcast comes back with a shot of Terry Crews, who is always ready for the unsolicited pec bounce. I’d make fun of him if he weren’t also hilarious on “Brooklyn 99” and, judging from interviews, just a generally cool guy (as well as a big U2 fan).

Top 3:

• Puig records a ʞ but I record it as a :)

Bottom 3:

• Jeter’s second at bat — DJ hits a bloop single that falls in front of Puig in right field. His MVP odds rise to 1-125,000.

• Jeter to second on a passed ball — engraver gets started on the “D.”

• Miggy’s second at bat — I feel like another big hit is our only hope for a non-Jeter MVP and ... yes! A hard-hit line drive and ... crap! Troy Tulowitzki shows off his Jeter-like range by catching a ball hit right at him.

Top 4:

• This might be Perez’s last inning so, here are the top five jerseys at the ASG: 5. Chicago Cubs, 4. Boston Red Sox, 3. St. Louis Cardinals, 2. Detroit Tigers, 1. Kansas City Royals with chest protector.

• Carlos Gomez of the Milwaukee Brewers steps into the batter’s box and Fox brings up his stats just to remind me that I made a stupid Gomez for Joey Votto trade in my fantasy baseball keeper league. Screw you, Fox.

Commercial break:

• Woah! Did you guys see the “Where the Game Stands Tall” trailer? It’s about the De La Salle high school football team from Concord, Calif., which is known mainly for its 151-game winning streak from 1992-2004. I know De La Salle for the three times I traveled there to play volleyball against their team that averaged about 6-foot-5 and warmed up in their Junior Olympic T-shirts while players on my team worked on remembering if they were left or right handed and how to not bite through their tongues while jumping.

Top 5:

• Puig strikes out for the third time. I’m mad that he probably doesn’t care.

• Perhaps the best example of why this game should not be taken seriously is how visibly happy the players are. They’re having way too much fun to think any of them are that concerned about winning or losing. That’s all fine and dandy, by the way. They absolutely should have fun during the ASG, just don’t make the ASG relevant to the rest of the season. Right now the ASG is an accepted flaw in the MLB schedule because it’s still fun for fans despite having overreaching implications.

Bottom 5:

• Devin Mesoraco looks like Warriors guard Stephen Curry eight years after retirement.

• Jose Altuve should be your favorite plater. He’s 5-foot-5 and is tied for fourth in WAR among major league second basemen. He’s batting .335 and has stolen 41 bases in 93 games. And he’s 5-foot-5!

Top 6:

• The highlight of the game came with a camera pointed away from the field and right into the AL dugout. During an in-game interview with Jeter, who came out of the game in the top of the fourth, the following exchange took place after a handful of non-questions such as Reynolds’, “How fun is this game?!”

Joe Buck: “You going to miss this?”

Jeter: (without skipping a beat) “What, the interview?”

OK, I concede. Give him the MVP trophy right now.

• Fox pulls up a graphic that says the Red Sox have started 54 shortstops since Jeter debuted in 1995. Fox director disapproved of original graphic that displayed a pinstriped hand giving Boston the finger.

Bottom 6:

• I’m starting to get a little antsy for a Hunter Pence appearance, as I’m sure is his home planet.

• Atlanta first baseman Freddie Freeman finished a great play from Dee Gordon by doing the splits. Jeter’s MVP is being challenged only by Freeman’s groin.

Top 7:

• Pence, the Giants’ right fielder, appears, quickly grounds out, will have to wait until next time the meteor Hyneesox passes by Earth in 2069 to return home.

• Time for the seventh inning stretch. And here comes ... Joe Nichols! You know, that guy we’ve all heard of singing that song that we all agree with in a singing style that isn’t at all polarizing. USA! USA!

Bottom 7:

• Chicago White Sox shortstop Alexei Ramirez (.282 average, eight home runs, 15 stolen bases, 1.7 WAR) “got the honor of taking over for Jeter,” whose season totals are .272, two home runs, six stolen bases and 0.6 WAR.

• Harold Reynolds keeps saying “Derek Jeter” and “escort” in the same sentences. Buck realizes it’s weird way before Reynolds, who finally says, “I mean police escorts.” Buck (just wanting to move on): “OK.”

Top 8:

• Daniel Murphy makes the last out of the inning. See, how can the All-Star Game be taken seriously if we let Mets play?

Bottom 8:

• NL starter Adam Wainwright is interviewed by Erin Andrews (who is bouncing around like a little kid who refused to go to the bathroom before she got in the car) about comments he made earlier regarding giving Jeter easy pitches to hit. Wainwright said his humor was misunderstood and ... say no more, Adam. As a guy whose humor is often misunderstood I’m already firmly on your side.

• And as a serious side note, read Cindy Boren’s column about Fox’s NFL sideline reporter shakeup from the Washington Post. Great points, especially about the uselessness of Tony Siragusa.

Top 9:

• OK, here’s the last chance for the NL, and AL manager John Farrell just told the guys in the booth that he was hoping to use Glen Perkins of the Minnesota Twins as the game’s closer, which highlights another flaw in MLB’s use of the ASG. As long as managers worry about giving everyone playing time and saving the home-town closer for the end, the All-Star Game can’t be used to make real baseball decisions.

• Charlie Blackmon of the Colorado Rockies grounds out to end the game, and as the camera follows Jeter through the post-game handshake line, I’m reaffirmed of one thing. Like Jon Favreau so perfectly said in “Rudy,” Jose Altuve’s “SO little!”

That the American League champion will host four of seven games in the World Series, however, is huge. But no one seems to mention that or care now. Like Altuve, we’re all a little short-sighted.

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