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Doug Blough

I’d like to voice a few opinions about sports, but in no way should that Brett Favre-looking sports reporter, Dan Hoehne, feel threatened. Dan obviously knows his stuff, and I too had Major League baseball dreams since age 9. In fact, I wore a No. 9 T-shirt, mimicking my Pittsburgh Pirate hero, Bill Mazeroski.

I have unexpectedly come to an impasse with one of my most hated rivals. Finally I found a reason to love spellcheck. My tiny, Pantech phone didn’t have it, but did have a feature known as “Call Grating.” It would constantly dial or text people without my knowledge and certainly without my consent.

Some people assume because I have a certain flair for writing and a sometimes-bizarre, unconventional translation of everyday events, I must be highly intelligent. Many others are convinced I’m “special” in an entirely different kind of way, since I possess the inherited Blough forgetful gene and mechanical skills of a penguin. I’m sure Norm and Vickie Nichols fall securely into that latter category.

Have you ever had one of those close friends from way back who you suddenly realize shares none of your morals? One day it dawns on you, if he wasn’t such a good friend, you wouldn’t even like the guy!

My house is littered with unread newspapers of every ilk and my DVR library 98 percent full for the same reason it’s foolhardy not to read every section of your favorite newspaper: You’ll never know what priceless gem you have denied your brain forever.

We’ve all heard the expression, “Well, tell me something I don’t know!” That’s exactly what I was thinking tonight while watching a news report announcing daylight saving time increases incidents of automobile accidents, heart attacks and strokes. That’s almost a no-brainer.

It’s amazing how a negative encounter with a new neighbor, a long romance drought, and the Fox News Channel left on overnight can combine into one hell of a weird dream. I would prefer Donald Trump stay the heck out of my nocturnal hookups, but we don’t control such things. The subconscious writes the script.

My love affair with old song lyrics knows no bounds. My empathy for those too young to have ever tapped toes to a Guess Who beat is limitless. If I can help in some small way, then as Simon and Garfunkel offered, “Like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down.”

favorite Simpsons character is Sideshow Bob, a cerebral, spike-haired convict obsessed with killing Bart for sending him to prison. Sideshow has a recurring habit of stepping on rakes with the handles smacking him in the face. Once at a rake factory, he must have stepped on 20 in succession, muttering under his breath each time.

Many have urged me to write a “bad-luck biography” of the unlikely, maddening events that transpire in my life. And I would, but I’m convinced everyone just assumes I make this stuff up for laughs.

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