Before diverting my column topic last week, I was writing my top 10 list of 2010 highs and lows. But since I didn’t get out of the house a whole lot last year, I was really stumped coming up with more than a few. I had that really bad haircut early in the year, that collection agency cleaned out my checking account on 9/11, and then my TV up-and-died last week. Finally, I secured a nice replacement TV on New Year’s Eve, and that was about it for highlights of the year.

So, with minimal further adieu, here are my Top Predicted Headlines of 2011:

MADOFF RELEASED FROM PRISON:

Disgraced investment financier, Bernie Madoff was paroled for good behavior after having served less than one year of his life sentence.

The Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles have invited Madoff to training camp to compete for the backup quarterback position behind incumbent Michael Vick.

Coach Andy Reid said, “He’s a real success story; one of redemption. Bernie has a chance to be an inspiration to teammates and society in general. But make no mistake, he’ll start at the minimum $800,000 salary, and will be expected to periodically speak to high school students on how wrong he now realizes embezzlement is.”

Madoff said contritely, “I know it’s too soon, but sometime in the near future, I hope to have proven myself enough to be trusted house-sitting Michael Vick’s dog.”

BOEHNER COMMITTED:

After an emotional, opening five minutes of an Oprah Winfrey interview, a hysterical House Speaker John Boehner had to be helped off the stage. When Oprah began what was scheduled to be an hour interview with, “Welcome, Mr. Speaker,” Boehner immediately began tearing up. With lips quivering, he whispered in a trembling voice, “I promised myself I wouldn’t …”

The Speaker momentarily regained composure, but when Winfrey said, “I see your wife is in the audience,” Boehner began sobbing violently. He breathlessly mumbled something about “the American dream,” before collapsing into Winfrey’s lap.

Boehner is under careful observation at Lincoln State Hospital, where he still cries continuously and also began hiccuping non-stop days ago. He has been unable to sleep.

RAMSEY FILES CHAPTER 11:

Financial author and inspirational speaker Dave Ramsey shocked everyone when he filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy early today. Ramsey quoted heavy credit card debt incurred from holiday spending late last year, and bad investments as reasons for his financial implosion. “I never should have trusted Madoff, but it sounded really good, and he was Jewish, after all.”

Always unflappable, Ramsey said, “It’s all good; the Ram-Man might be down, but he’s not out. I’ll just have to borrow money from friends to get back on my feet.”

BAILEY DEPLOYED TO AFGHANISTAN:

Private Beetle Bailey, after decades in basic training, has been deployed to war-torn Afghanistan. His friend, Private Zero said, “Well, at least he’s still in the states.” Sergeant Snorkel bemoaned, “He was an incorrigible little monkey, but I’ll sure miss his Mother’s cookies.”

BUSH INKS BOOK DEAL:

George W. Bush announced the upcoming release of his second book, “Even More Criticaler Decision Points.” President Bush has promised even more revealing disclosures from his presidency. In one leaked excerpt, he writes, “After further review, I’ve decided the lowest point of my presidency wasn’t when rapper Kanye West said I didn’t care about black people. An even lower lowest point was when Joan Rivers said it looked like I borrowed my inauguration suit from a homeless guy. That hurt deeply.”

JONG-IL DANCES WITH THE STARS:

Easily the most provocative thing North Korea has done in years, its diminutive leader, Kim Jong-il has reached the finals of DWTS. Last week, Kim appeared giddy but anxious as he and ex-White House reporter Helen Thomas both faced elimination. But when viewers voted Thomas out and Il in, the limber little leader fist-pumped and leapt so high, he was nearly eye-to-eye with his partner, Cheryl Burke. “Me so happy,” he shrieked.

From his padded room at Bellevue, John Boehner was reportedly brought to tears. “Now HE’S realizing the American dream,” Boehner blubbered, before being given a powerful sedative.