Well, I’m two months late and a dollar short for the Valentine’s column I began way back when. “Waste not; want not” I always say as I’m eating pizza crusts from under the couch cushions, so I’ll not waste my observances on the bittersweet subject of romance.

I again had no Valentine’s date this year, which suited me fine. It was a good TV night with a Simpson’s marathon on FX. One particular episode again raised the question: “What do you get when you fall in love?”

Many would say, “You only get a guy/gal to burst your bubble.” One can become so cynical as to view a kiss as only, “You get enough germs to catch pneumonia, and after ya do, he’ll never phone ya.” Many of these Gloomy Gus’ swear, “I’ll … never fall in love again.”

As a contentedly confirmed bachelor, I wonder, “What’s love got to do … got to do with it?” I don’t rule out one day falling in love again, but it’s not on my bucket list or anything. On the far underrated, slice-of-life jewel, the Simpsons, little Ralphie Wiggums reminds us how love can trigger those jaded emotions described above.

On Valentine’s Day, Ms. Krabopple’s class fashioned their own baskets for that cruel grade school injustice I remember well, even though my card sock was always well-stuffed. In spite of painfully prominent buck teeth, I remember me as a handsome, charismatic child. Second-grade gals wanted to be with me; the boys just wanted to be me.

But my heart bled for those sad-sacks getting few if any cards. Lisa Simpson saw that same heart-wrenching desperation on the face of the class dork, Ralphie Wiggums. Ralph had already drawn derisive laughter while making his basket when he ate his crayon and glued his head to his shoulder. Equally clueless and odd-looking, Ralph smiled, thinking they were laughing with him rather than at him.

That all changed during the card exchange when good-hearted Lisa Simpson noticed Ralph’s bone-dry basket and pitiful expression. She quickly grabbed an unsigned card that said “I choo choo chooose you,” atop a drawing of a cartoon train with a face. Clearly energized and smitten, Ralph was waiting for Lisa outside, asking “Can I walk you home … Valentine?”

This was un-chartered territory for Ralph, struggling mightily for words as they walked. Finally he sputtered with a nervous giggle, “That card was funny. It said ‘choo choo chooose me’ and there was a picture of a train.”

After another painful silence, he managed, “Sooo … do you like …stuff?” Ralphie was clearly winging it, making it even worse as they arrived at Lisa’s home, finishing a story with, “So the doctor said my nose wouldn’t bleed so much if I kept my finger outta there.” Lisa politely said, “Well, this is my house,” exiting in a cloud of dust.

While bemoaning her backfired dilemma to devilish brother Bart, Ralphie rang the doorbell holding two sought-after tickets to the 10th-anniversary show of every Springfield kid’s hero, Krusty the Clown. Self-indulgence trumped self-preservation when Lisa accepted his invitation to join him.

Driven by Ralph’s obese, inept Police Chief father, Clancy Wiggums, the rare ticket mystery was solved when Clancy proudly related a chance encounter with Krusty in a darkened, X-rated movie theatre, whereupon free tickets were procured. From the back seat, Ralph chirped, “I am so glad you cho, cho, chose to come,” to which Lisa grunted, “I think maybe you should give that a rest, Ralph.”

But young Wiggums remained beaming like a mime with a live fish down his pants. You see, Ralphie was so starved for female attention he had no way of knowing he was being driven to Bursted-Bubble Hell. At the show’s live taping, Krusty showed some favorite clips before the hung-over clown said with his trademark guffaw, “And now kids, my favorite part of the show.” Straining to read the cue cards, he muttered under his breath, “Questions from the audience? Oh God, this is always death!”

Lisa prayed silently, “Oh please God, don’t let them see me with Ralph.” Seconds later, Krusty was asking Ralph with a wink, “Hi there Ralph; is this your girlfriend?” Unable to contain his lovesick glee, Ralph grabbed the microphone and bellowed, “Yes, Lisa Simpson is my girlfriend, and when I’m old enough, I’m going to marry her!”

“NOOO!” Lisa screamed, jumping to her feet. “You listen here Ralph: I don’t like you and I never liked you. I only gave you that stupid card because no one else would!”

She felt terrible of course, even more so later at home when Bart freeze-framed the video and said giddily, “Watch, Lees, you can actually pinpoint the exact second his heart broke in half.” And sure enough, there it was. Suddenly I was taken back to an equally pathetic bowling date back in high school with a cheerleader named Jodi when I slipped on my shoelace and fell in the gutter.

Now I remember why I rarely date: Love hurts. Ooooh, love huurts.