The Family Affair Football contest is history and the granddaddy of all holidays swiftly approacheth.

Super Bowl Sunday is the one I sleeplessly anticipate each year more than Christmas as a child. Yet, there is no joy in Puntville tonight; I come to you with a heavy heart.

Few who know me dispute I’m the unluckiest gambling man on the face of the earth. Compelling evidence includes a past college bowl game I watched with a substantial wager, when near game’s end with my team driving for the coffin-nail touchdown, a guy I’d deemed a football jinx rang my doorbell.

Foolishly allowing access, I cautioned that if anything untoward happened, it was on his head. Seconds later, my quarterback threw a short pass heading directly toward a receiver’s open arms near the end zone when a disoriented ref stumbled into its path. The ball hit him square in the head, ricocheting into the arms of a defender who raced 90 yards the other direction for the TD that beat me.

I’ve suffered countless similar endings, including all three of the most recent playoff games. Naturally, I fell victim to that nauseatingly bad call on Dez Bryant’s fourth-quarter pass reception. It was rightly ruled a spectacular catch at the 2-inch line, but then overturned on video review, with far-from the required “irrefutable evidence.”

Not only did that robbery cost me a pre-playoff, 15-1 odds Dallas Super Bowl bet, but also doomed my biggest weekend wager that the combined score would total “Over 52.” Deflated after the injustice, Dallas never scored again, nor did Green Bay. Total points: 47.

Then came my GB/Seattle “Under 48” bet. With a measly 26 points after the first 58 minutes, there’s no way I could lose, right? Wrong again, Pigskin Breath! Points scored in final two minutes: 24 … total of 50.

Second verse (game), same as the first. Certain two of the game’s greatest QBs would easily generate “Over 52 ? points,” I was afforded a rare smile with a total of 52 points with nearly a full quarter to play. Lead-pipe cinch, ya say? Again you forget who we’re talking about. Final 10 minute points scored? A big fat zero to nip me by half a point!

Those were three tough pills to swallow in rapid succession, but pale compared to the results of my $1,700 first-place quest in that football contest. If you recall, with two weeks left, I was in seventh place, trailing the leader by five games, and vowing a strong finish to steal that pot of gold.  

And strong it was, picking nine of 13 winners in week 16, leaping over three contenders to fourth place, only three games behind new leader, “Heath.”

“What happened that final week?” you ask with unbridled curiosity?

Up until now, I haven’t been able to talk about it without sobbing, even though I did win something. But it’s what could have been – what should have been … what would have been, were it not for a clown of a running back named … Nope, I still can’t bring myself to say his name.

I had another great, final week — normally the toughest week of all, as evidenced by my $1,000 first-place winner in ’11 when I retained my one-game with only five winners that last week. So now with 10 winners going into the late Seahawks/Rams game, I could almost taste the fame and fortune coming with this historic comeback.

With the underdog Rams +13 1/2 points leading most of the game, win 11 was all but in the bag. But a strange thing happened late, with the Rams losing by 7, but about to score when I flipped channels for a moment. I returned just in time for the instant replay of “that” player diving for the end zone with the ball outstretched.

From nowhere appears a Seahawks defender who swatted the ball from the nameless idiot’s hand and recovered the fumble on the 2-inch line!!! Sure I was livid, more so when Seattle scored an unnecessary late touchdown for a 14-point win. Another one-half point loss for ol’ “Job,” but with 10 of 16 winners, I composed myself quickly in anticipation of my likely $1,700 windfall.

The next day, contest emcee “Toothless Grin” Sprowl e-mailed: “Well, you didn’t win the big money, but fourth place for $400 isn’t bad for a $50 investment.

My heart dropped like an under-inflated football on the 2-inch line. When I realized “Weiseman” beat my season total by two games, and Duckbug and Heath bested me by one, I had to know: Did anyone else have the Rams?

Grin obliged my request with this taunting reply: “Whimper away, Buffalo Bill. All in the top five other than you had Seattle.” I seeeee. That pathetic goal-line grope prevented a first-place tie and my $1,350 share of the split. A fumble, 2 inches and one-half point cost me $950!!!

The evidence is indisputable: Low-risk contests are fine, but I should never bet again. Although gifted at picking winners, a cruel cosmic curse will make a loser of me every time. So listen intently to the bell, Ram’s “stumbling back” Benny Cunningham, for it tolls for thee! To err is human; to forgive unthinkable!