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Doug Blough

August 16, 2012 9:27 am

MY LOUSY WORLD: Animal ACLU

I’m launching the Animal ACLU: “Animal Caretakers Litigating Unflattering treatment.” Our goal is to make animals equal to humans in all areas, and if not, we’ll sue the pants off this “humans first” society.

Sure, the Bible says God gave man dominion over animals, but you’ll find your dictionary describes “dominion” as “to submit to; bow down, take a back seat to.” (Don’t bother checking — I just told you what it says).

Via Facebook, which still confounds me, I reached out and touched someone I’ve not seen in 40 years. He touched me back with a kick to the groin. This fellow — let’s call him “Ned,” since he sounds obsessively image-conscious — evidently isn’t my biggest fan.  

June 30 began like many days for me: partly cloudy with a 70 percent chance of pain. But even I could never have guessed the perfect storm about to befall me. It was another Doug Day Afternoon, and as Mangold is my witness, every word is true.

We’ve heard it many times before — folks mauled by vicious animals, sometimes resulting in death, or even worse, disfigurement. A few weeks ago, 65-year-old homeless man, Ronald Poppo had his face “mostly chewed off” along a busy Miami highway before police fatally shot “Rudy.”

Occasionally, I must revisit past columns with updates and clarifications. Everything I write is true, of course, since exaggeration of my blunder-laden life would be like Barbra Streisand embellishing the size of her nose. But there are those rare misrepresentations.

A recent column in the Tribune’s Home Improvement edition recounted 35 years of roofing misery — falls, vanishing ladders in windstorms, sunstroke, etc. I suggested that may be why most roofers are lushes; they drink to forget. But that is stereotyping, which you might expect from a drunken Irishman, but not a good German boy like me.

The highlight of a recent day came while walking my dogs by the river, when Trina suddenly veered off the trail and hunched over, trying to pinch the proverbial loaf. You must be thinking, “Boy, this guy sure doesn’t set the excitement bar high,” but let me explain.

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