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June 28, 2012 8:49 am

MY LOUSY WORLD: Headlines you won’t believe

Written by Doug Blough

We’ve heard it many times before — folks mauled by vicious animals, sometimes resulting in death, or even worse, disfigurement. A few weeks ago, 65-year-old homeless man, Ronald Poppo had his face “mostly chewed off” along a busy Miami highway before police fatally shot “Rudy.”

Sure, “man bites dog,” sells more newspapers than “dog bites man,” but the newsworthy detail here is that Rudy isn’t a dog or an adorable pet chimp, but a 31-year-old man. Callers to 911 had reported two men fighting, but failed to mention seeing Ronald Poppo’s face being chewed up like a pizza at 3 a.m. by a man higher than a kite on pot.

But chew his face, 31-year-old Rudy Eugene did. Poppo remains hospitalized in very serious condition with a face only a mother could love. “He’s going to kill that man, I promise you,” a female, bus driver frantically reported to a 911 operator. First responders have taken a lot of heat for being slow to arrive, so one has to conclude that if they’d have been more expeditious in responding, they might have saved face.

I only mention this headline because I’m seriously disturbed. You bet I’m disturbed by the many people who, for inexplicable reasons, seldom if ever, read newspapers. I’m clueless. Why would curious-by-nature human beings not want to read about truth-stranger-than-fiction events going on all around them? You clowns will plunk down half a day’s wages to watch some half-baked, cheap knock-off of real life at a theater, yet ignore the non-fiction version. Are ya stupid?  

Thusly, I’d be in remission not to mention the alarming trend toward human consumption by fellow humans recently. What’s the deal, I wonder? Everyone and his brother seems to be eating a friend or family member. I remember a time when deranged killers would simply shoot, stab or garrote others, but these days they’ll munch on their victims without so much as a breath mint afterwards.

Call me partisan, but I think it should be laid directly at the doorstep of Barack Obama and that dang Obamacare. You do the math.

One example of modern-day cannibalism might simply be an aberration, but the evidence mounts. On the same day as the face brunch (it happened at around 11 a.m.), a college student — suspected of killing and eating parts of a man staying at his home — had ranted about “mass human sacrifices” on Facebook. Facebook? More like “Facebelch.”

The article states, “Authorities say Alex Kinyua admitted using a knife to kill and carve up Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodei (known as ‘Skippy’ to friends), 37, before eating his heart and parts of his brain.” Now, I’ll admit, I always reach for the giblets – excluding the neck, which I see no rationale for wasting precious time on — of a baked hen before my second choice, the drumstick. But somehow it seems different with a human being.

Apparently — if you want to believe the liberal media — the elder man had been staying with the Kinyua family for about six weeks at their townhouse in the Baltimore suburb of Joppatowne. So is that what they’re teaching college kids at secular schools now? Kill and eat your roommates if they still insist on defending Clinton?

On an unrelated, yet similar — although pretty much completely different — note, appeared this headline in the same edition: “Plague Confirmed In Man Bitten By Stray Cat.” Again, “Man Bites Cat” would be more interesting, but hold on. Further review by a well-read individual like myself reveals, “Health officials have confirmed that an Oregon man has the plague after he was bitten while trying to take a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat.”

I wish I was making this up (I strive to become a compulsive liar), but I’m not. The article continues: “The unidentified Pineville, Ore., man was in critical condition Friday. He is suffering from a blood-borne version of the disease that wiped out at least one-third of Europe in the 14th-century.”

My question isn’t why this bubonic plague hasn’t been eradicated over seven centuries, but: “What in the Sam Hill would possess a man to try and rescue an already-dead mouse he’s never met, from the mouth of a cat he doesn’t even know? Whatdamuddah?!!

Start reading newspapers, people! Maybe you’ll learn from the mistakes of others. Is even one dead rodent worth the life of a man with no face? Think about it.

1 Comment

  • Comment Link July 10, 2012 9:11 am posted by LuAnn Wise

    I love it!!! We have really become an apethetic group. Keep up the good work!

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