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April 22, 2014 7:36 am

MY LOUSY WORLD: I hear voices talking about me

Written by Doug Blough

Carly Simon sang: “You’re so vain; you probably think this song is about you. You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you; don’t you, don’t you?”

(There may have been one more “Don’t you?” but I’m not positive).

I’ve never flown my women down to Nova Scotia to see a total eclipse of the sun, but I did once drive a girlfriend to Casper to see Bon Jovi. Anyhoo, I don’t consider myself vain, but I do often assume certain TV shows or publications are talking to or about me. Surprisingly, I don’t consider myself paranoid schizophrenic either.

The Bible for instance seems to address roofers and the peril of solo roofing in Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?”

(An electric blanket works for me).

Although it seems to discourage my sleeping alone without marrying, Paul in Romans tells us that it is better for man to remain single like him since a nagging wife (I paraphrased) will divide a man’s spiritual focus.

When I was engaged 20 years ago, I used that very verse as direct evidence against setting a date. It did not go over big with the fiancée, so she sadly has slept with another ever since.

However, Paul does add a caveat to that remain-single suggestion — something about “… unless a man burn with lust.” I may not burn, but I’ve been on a slow simmer for a nigh upon a coon’s age.  

I was discouraged by Proverbs 6: 6-11, which speaks directly to the sloth with Solomon excoriating me: “Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? … poverty will come upon you like a bandit, and scarcity like an armed man.”

I almost broke into song with: “… I felt he’d found my letters and read each one out loud. Here he was this young king, singing clear and strong — killing me softly with his words … killing me softly with his song, telling my whole life with his words … killing me softly ...”

Yet I was equally encouraged by The Sermon on the Mount, which if I’m quoting correctly states: “Blessed are the poor in finances, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are those who sleep all mourning, for they will be comforted. Blessed are those who reek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those plagued with pure heartburn, for they will see God. Blessed are the pieceworkers, for they will be called sons of God.

“Blessed are those who are electrocuted, (some misread it as “persecuted”) for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I did read that chapter with one contact lens though on a day I had lost its mate.

A man I have much in common with was pint-sized tax-collector Zaccheus who in Luke 19:3: “He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man, he could not …”

I too have had to climb a sycamore tree or roof to see someone famous. Jesus ordered him to come down so he could stay at his house. Should Jesus ask the same of me, I’m sure he’d get a motel after the first night, in spite of those who reek inheriting the earth.

Of course, the Biblical cat I share the most familiarity with was Job. Believe me, I’ve had more festering boils than I can count.

And although I’ve never lost any prized oxen, my precious dog Trinity died last fall. It was not easy being Job, nor is it being Doug.

Speaking of sleeping alone, this excerpt from a sermon in Acts 8 mentions a guy with even bigger problems. “On Philip’s journey, he met an Ethiopian eunuch … Then Philip ran up to the chariot and heard the man reading Isaiah the prophet. ‘Do you understand what you are reading,’ Philip asked. ‘How can I,’ he said, ‘unless someone explains it to me?’”

I’m thinking, “Geez! It’s not bad enough the guy’s a eunuch, he’s also dumb as a post? I felt better about myself after that.

On an unrelated note, many parents still pick Biblical names for their newborns, but not many name their babies Methobosheth or Nimrod anymore. I’m just sayething …

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