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February 13, 2014 8:09 am

MY LOUSY WORLD: Amusing musing while snoozing

Written by Doug Blough

Many profound thoughts entered my head and died there on the not-so-super Sunday afternoon as I wished there was a real football game on TV.

“Profounderies” such as:

• There truly is a thin line between love and hate. I love strong coffee so much I drink it from wake-up to fall-asleep, yet I hate cold coffee with passion. I’d much prefer drinking anti-freeze with a battery acid chaser than less-than-hot coffee.

• I have equal disdain for that arrogant Mr. Sun. Sure, everyone loves the warm sun’s first appearance on a cloudy, chilly day, but I detest that same sun in the afternoon when I’m driving west. It’s probably just as bad in the morning, but I’ve never gotten up before noon and driven east on the same day.

• Short of watching Denver play a big game, the biggest waste of time is the daily crossword. Unless you’re an MIT grad, you’ll have no idea what 58-across, “Aerie builders?” is even asking, much less know the answer.

I’m a language-loving wordsmith, but have no desire to learn and/or use big words the common man like myself won’t understand. So I’ll complete 85 percent of each crossword puzzle, but like a jigsaw with missing pieces, there will never be closure. Many precious hours will be wasted that could have been better spent doing the Jumbles. But it’s too late for me; I’ve been exposed and will never escape the “Crossword, Crossroads to Nowhere.” Damn this addictive personality!

• I’m part of a Facebook chat group with old friends from my Pennsylvania hometown, Jerome. Unnamed, I suggested “Just Jerome Jabbering” and so it came to pass. I often begin new posts with “Hello Jabberers.” Days ago while wasting a crossword hour, I got hopelessly stumped on 35-down, “Babbles away.”

I became angry and certainly did let a few “cross words” fly, but none so loudly as the next day when I peaked at the answer … yep, “Jabbers.” Sheesh! Who knew?! That should have been enough — but wasn’t — for me to snap my pencil, never to crossword again.

• Isn’t it a strange and queer process how and why one gets a certain song stuck in one’s head? Last night I dreamed I was singing the old classic, “It wasn’t God who made honky tonk angels,” and woke up singing it with my cats staring suspiciously at me. Now I cannot get it out of my head. (It is a “twangily” beautiful song I’d be happy to sing to readers upon request).

• I lifted the concept from a “Pickles” comic, but I do wonder if we see detail more clearly in dreams when wearing glasses or contact lenses to bed? And do dogs still sniff butts in their amorous dreams, or do they stand on hind legs while making out and fondling like they’ve seen humans do?

• Valentine’s Day approacheth and I’ll be buying my special lady a really special gift. Respecting her privacy, I seldom talk about it, but we’ve been together more than 10 years now. So for this special day of love, I’ve picked out a beautiful red necklace.

Oh yeah, also a big chew toy, but I’m thinking it’s the red collar that will have Trina hugging my neck. Her favorite, though, will be the long, Valentine’s Day walk we use it for that day.

• I guess the crabapple doesn’t fall from the tree. Just like my hilarious, dearly departed dad Alfred said once at a family dinner: “Oh, I’m a hog for that butter; when I bite into bread, I like to see my teethmarks.” I too am a hog for heavily buttered bread.

• Speaking of family trees, I went to a grand opening of the businesses in the remodeled old Cody post office. While talking to realtor and relative (twice removed) Phyllis Claudson, she confessed to being a workaholic. “It’s in our family tree,” she said.

I also confessed: “Ours too, but when I fell off the tree, I hit the ground and rolled the hell out of there to take a long nap.” True story.

• I’ll also confess I’m anxious for the next episode of “The Bachelor.” My great-niece Taylor wants Andi or Nikki to win; I’m rooting for Charlene. But make no mistake: afterwards, I WILL be watching the “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 50th Anniversary,” just to prove to myself I’m still a man! And I do NOT watch “Glee.” Rarely.

• Did you hear? Captain and Tennille have tragically split the sheets. Is no happy union safe in this day and age?

Anyone who has ever loved with a “Muskrat Love,” will mourn the passing of Captain and Tennille’s marriage. Who’s next, Skip & Flip? (Who you probably recall from that same era, and their hauntingly beautiful “It was I”).

• That Melissa McCarthy from “Mike & Molly” may be the funniest fat woman to come along since Moms Mabley. Heck, Roseanne Barr couldn’t carry Melissa McCarthy’s lobster bib!

And if you remember Moms Mabley, Soupy Sales, Gene Rayburn and Eb from “Green Acres,” thou must be long in the tooth like me.

And as another famously funny porker once said, “Th, th, th … at’s all folks!”

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