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March 07, 2013 8:48 am

MY LOUSY WORLD: If you don’t got milk, you ain’t got nuttin’

Written by Doug Blough

In the beginning, God created the beasts of the field, fish and fowl of every ilk. And he saw that it was good. Among the beasts was the slovenly cow, and on her undercarriage, God inserted udders — obviously not for aesthetic purposes, since the dangling udder is an ugly mudder.

“God said, ‘Let thy udders provideth Vitamin D and calcium,’ and as the oxen looked on with envy, a white, frothy liquid gushed forth from thine udders. The multitudes dranketh and were filled to contentment. God called the life-giving nectar ‘milk,’ and he saw that it was good.”

Granted, that scripture isn’t quite Biblically verbatim, but you’ll never convince me that an omnipotent, omnipresent, highly-educated God didn’t have a darn good reason for filling those mud-ugly udders with milk. Yet two separate individuals recently emailed me links maligning the character of my beloved milk. “Go dairy-free or die!” the first seems to suggest. I say poppycock to that crock!

It was sent by my sister-in-law Marti, written by some clown named Mark Hyman, and titled “6 Reasons to Avoid Milk.” While trying to debunk most of the USDAs food pyramid, he says, “I typically recommend my patients stay away from dairy products completely.”

He drones on, “There are many reasons to pass up milk, including that milk doesn’t reduce bone fractures.” He goes as far as to claim “milk may actually increase the risk of bone fractures by up to 50 percent, according to the large Nurses Health Study.”

Well, why would we take the word of large nurses? Maybe if they returned to milk and got off the diet sodas, they wouldn’t be so obese.

“Countries with the lowest consumption of dairy products and calcium, like those in Africa and Asia, have the lowest rates of osteoporosis.” Yeah, but probably because they typically die young from malaria, leprosy or dysentery. I’d rather be hunch-backed than stiff.

After listing other supposed disadvantages of milk, such as irritable bowel syndrome (my bowels are much moodier when I’m not drinking milk), he says, “From an evolutionary standpoint, milk is a strange food for humans. Until ten thousand years ago, we didn’t domesticate animals…” So what? We didn’t domesticate broccoli either until centuries ago, and I always feel kinda sick when I accidentally eat some hidden in soup.

A second milk link was forwarded by my young, pretty friend, Melodie Beier, and as we know, “a pretty girl is like a melodie … that haunts you night and day.” But I severely digress (a habit I believe is often caused by a dairy deficiency). This article accuses milk producers of conspiring to add chemical sweeteners, such as aspartame and sucralose, to milk without identifying such on the labels. The idea is to make milk more enticing to children.

Now that’s where I part company with the milk people. Any time you try and add to perfection, you’re making a mistake. It’s unthinkable that anyone should need anything extra in a delicious glass of cold milk, but that’s what we have Nestle’s Quik for. As for me though, milk is perfect exactly as it is.

Whole wheat was the standard for healthy carb consumption, but suddenly Bill O’Reilly has been harping on the evils of gluten, claiming since he’s given up wheat, he’s lost weight and feels much more alert. Ah, that’s his imagination — “You think, therefore you are.” Milk and bread are my two main staples; throw in ketchup and I’ve got all I need.

Ya know, my dad, his dad before him, and his dad’s Uncle Bert consumed tons of bread, creamy farm milk and pure butter. These old-school guys lived into their early 90s, they were still strong, their minds were sharp and their bowels were even-tempered.

My wonderful sister, Wanda, died at 52 of ovarian cancer. It can’t be proven, but I bet nothing she ate or drank had a thing to do with it; it was simply the luck of the draw. I’m sick of everything we were once taught was healthy changing on any given day. To the right side of the sweetened milk article, I noticed a video link titled “Can Cheese Lower Your Risk of Diabetes?” Sure, I wouldn’t doubt it. But in a few years, any such evidence will be debunked in another article, “Cheese May Cause Lupus. Cut the Cheese!”

For my money, milk is the cat’s meow, and I wouldn’t give it up for all the gluten in China.

2 comments

  • Comment Link March 09, 2013 6:43 pm posted by Frank Rozek

    Right on Doug. The older folks grew up eating eggs, bacon, beef and dairy products everyday of their lives and many of them live well into their 80's, 90's and beyond. So fill your tummy full of bread, butter, ketchup and wash it all down with a gallon of ice cold milk.

  • Comment Link March 11, 2013 10:41 pm posted by Ron Blough

    I Agree Doug-I can still taste that cold milk at our Grandpa Blough's milk house. I remember seeing him drinking the cream right out of the separator spout. Of course you know he only lived to be 92!
    Cuz Ron

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